Thursday, December 31, 2009

i need to get this out

These are ten statements to ten different people:

1. I feel bad that you don't know what it means to truly suffer. Your ideas of a "problem" make me laugh, but then I stop. . . and they make me sad.

2. I love you :)

3. Thanks for helping me through this tough transition, I don't know what I'd do without you.

4. The way you look down on people upsets me, but I'm glad that it's out of care for those people rather than purely believing you are superior.

5. I'm glad you're there to come back to, even after all the changes that have happened.

6. Some days, I think of you and find myself pondering, "What if. . ."

7. I'm sorry for not keeping in touch as much as I should. We're both busy, but there should always be time to talk.

8. The bond we have has grown and makes me feel safe. I hope you succeed in life.

9. I think I've given up on trying. I hope the best for you, and I will be more than happy to pick things up.

10. You carved a large whole in who I was, who I am, and who I will become. My life took a turn for the worse because of you, and I hope you are able to fathom how much of me you have destroyed.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Well...

My life is confusing right now. I am sad about a few things, happy about a bunch of other things, angry about a few things, and thrilled about another thing... and I don't know how to balance it all.

I think I hold the record for feeling the most amount of things possible.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Didn't see that one coming.

Ian and I are taking a break soon. Somehow, this doesn't sadden me. It just makes me feel like I'm gonna have time to sort things out.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Worth

I don't feel like I am good enough to be anyone's friend. I feel like I do things for the sake of doing it. Like, only to remain in contact with them. I don't feel like I genuinely interest people or give back to them. Sometimes I wish it were just me and the birds on this planet. I don't understand social situations. I still get deathly scared when I'm in crowds, or even with a group of people who know me. I don't know how to do it, and I feel like I'm wasting everybody's time. Even Ian. . . :(

This post isn't even about how much time I spend with people. Even when I am with them, I feel like a nuisance.

I wish I were a beautiful person, inside and out, so that I would be worth someone's time.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Summer so far. . .

I have a job, went to two graduations, graduated, hung out w/peeps, and experienced good things. Woot, that sounds like a good summer. Teeheehee. . .

Thursday, May 28, 2009

What a way to end.

I have two classes left. Two. That's three hours. Less than that, actually. I find that ridiculous. What a way to end the year. . .

This is tough. This is really tough. The one teacher I've felt the most for is going through a lot of health problems. Normally, I could deal. I could pray, hope, understand, etc. But I can't. My grandma is fucking dying, and I just can't take it. Two people I care about, or at least two people who people who are very dear to me care about, are suffering and it seems impossible that my life is starting like this. My real life.

There's no point in despairing, however. That will not accomplish anything. I think all we can do is link arms and hope.

I love a few people more than I ever saw myself loving. These people are a very small minority, and it's a miracle that I even feel this way. I have so much trouble trusting others, letting myself really know them, yet these people have let it happen. Thank you. Thank you for letting me share my life with you. It doesn't end here.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Dear Anon,

This is directed to ten people I know.

1. What happened? We used to be so happy together, and now I can't stand you. I hope you stop being so. . . mean.

2. We started to have something, but I forgot about you, or you forgot about me. . . perhaps it was mutual. Either way, you're a great person and I wish you the best.

3. I wish you knew just how much I fucking appreciate you. The amount of love and care I've come to have for you surprises me. You're a great friend, I just wish we could have been closer sooner, and I hope that we continue to become better friends.

4. You're one of the most unique people I know, and I admire you're individuality, despite that sometimes you're an ass hole.

5. You go between two personalities, and it's so confusing. I don't know if I should trust you.

6. I love you so much. Thank you for everything.

7. I am so glad I'm getting to know you. I think you've been misjudged and we become better friends.

8. Wow. I can't believe you're hardly in my life anymore. I would have never guess that we ended this far apart from each other.

9. You've always seemed nice, but I just never knew you. I wish I had.

10. I really like you. You're a fun person who is set in their moral beliefs, and will stick to them. I admire you.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Blast from da PAST.

Here is what my diary looked like ages 7-10, spelling, grammar and all. Anything in italics is 17-year-old Christine commentating.

Dear Direy

Maxine is funny. (The following is crossed out:) Yup, she is, but sometimes she gets tooo mad. She wrote about getting mad in ZOO.

3-3-98
Dear Direy

Shereen is cool, (crossed out, said "a not") and funny. + shes mean.

Shereen, is a tinager! (crossed out said, "wa." I imagine that I realized I had started to spell "whatever" incorrectly.) Whatever. She is very coooCOOl!

Maxine is (crossed out: dum) cool, and (crossed out, the beginnings of "dum" again!) nice.

Shereen *heart picture* Loves Dad! Maxine is cool!

This is when I was older:


Well I'm at the Airport waiting to go to India for a whole year. I hope I have a good time. I am going to miss everyone. Aunty Neng said I have a suprise for me in the Red roller. Well we are going to NY. Well it's 7:27 and I got to go. Aunty Neg just left. BEW!!
Bye.

December 28, 2001 - India, Mumbai

Right now I'm at the airport waiting for our flight. I am in Mumbai, India. We just went to this grreat Restraunt +[Buffut (misspellings of "special") specail]. (Wa wa wa, looks like I can't spell ANYWAY.) We had spaggetii for the first time; in a long time. We have been in India for 4 moths is crossed out months!, because we were going to live here but we is crossed out we sisters couldn't take it any longer!! + (we cannot find a good school). I am having spelling ("probla" is crossed out) problems because we paticually me [because I have not been (crossed out is "going to school") studying my book when people tell me to]!

(A few pages later is hand writing I had when I was young. Looks like I just picked a random spot to write. . .)

Dear Diary (Hey! I spelled it correctly!)

I am sorry mom.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

:)

I love the sun. I love feeling WARM for the first time in forever, looking outside and seeing all the colors of the world. I can listen to some good ol' Tupac, Kanye or Nas and just chill the fuck out.
YEAH BOY!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

I don't know how I feel right now.

I've just realized that I enjoy certain people. A bit too much. And not in the creepy way. I just love their company. They're friendly, nice, funny, dorky (which is a good thing!) and most of all - real. I don't know why I haven't tried harder, but I'm just realizing how much certain friends mean to me.

I've been so used to going through the superficial babble of my other friends, I forgot what it was like to have a real conversation. Not idiotic fluff about what "tragic" thing someone did to someone else, not who reacted how to some miscellaneous happening, but to just sit and enjoy yourself.

This isn't to say that problems are not there. Of course everyone has problems - big and small - here and there. The difference is the lack of immaturity that goes into dealing with them. Jesus, I feel so. . . good.

Of course, I'm much to shy to say this to anyone, so no one is going to find out how much I like them, and this one instance will be the end. End or not, however, it made me very happy. I think I'll just hold on to that glimpse of strange freedom for now. :)

Saturday, March 28, 2009

I'm tired.

I tired of you.
I'm tired of your fake shit.
I'm tired of you using me.
I'm tired of being "back-up."
I'm tired of being ignored.
I'm tired of you not caring.
I'm tired of pretending.
I'm tired of regrets.
I'm tired of feeling sad.
I'm tired of being excluded.
I'm tired of you forgetting.
I'm tired of your judgments.
I'm tired of you crushing my spirits.
I'm tired of you being so disgustingly pathetic.
I'm tired of your superiority complex.
I'm tired of you being such a bitch.
I'm tired of everything that has to do with you.
So, please, leave me alone, and don't ask any questions.
I'm going to bed.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Boreddd. With a triple D.

Hahaha I'm so proud of myself, that was so clever. Well, to me it was. I'm bored, so instead of doing my homework, I'm gonna write a story.

Once upon a time there were three beautiful birds named Reen, Teen and Xeen. They all had beautiful aspects, but the most beautiful was OBVIOUSLY Teen. Reen and Xeen were pretty, but people often forgot about that because they didn't have beautiful hearts. Instead of operate at level 6 on Kohlberg's (i'm such an eloquent writer hahaha) morality scale, they took advantage of men and used them to obtain material goods. For example, Reen told Luap that she would marry him, but only if he proved his love with gold. Once she got the gold, she bird pooped on him, because she's a bird. I almost forgot about that part.

As I said before, they were all birds. Reen had lush black plumage that continued past her actual body, and round amber eyes. She had one of those birdy mohawk things, and for some reason, male birds think that's hot. Reen was medium in size, but her wings were twice her length, which gave a very graceful look.

Xeen was a white bird, because she was the youngest, and her plumage relfected the almost-purity and almost-innocence of her young heart. She was only corrupted by Reen. Anyway, she was white and had sharp wings and a very petite body. She looked as if she was built to be quick and agile, but maintained a feminine round birdy looking face. Her eyes were blue. One of her flaws was that she pooped too much because she ate too much. This is SUCH an intelligent story, as you can tell. I am NOT, I repeat, AM NOT, making this up as I go.

Now Teen was the most beautiful. She had a deep blue plumage and a very full body. Her wings were a vivacious green and were tipped with gold. Her beak was jet black and here eyes were as deep as a scarlet rose. Men... i mean MALE BIRDS... forgot about Reen and Xeen as soon as they saw her take flight.

One day, Reen and Xeen were sick of not having boyfriends, and decided to disguise themselves as Teen. One would think they did it so THEY could get men, which WAS part of the plan, but the REAL reason was so they could destroy Teen's reputation.
"We shall tweet make tweeeet her look like a tweet STUPID tweet bird tweet!"
"That's is a brilliant tweet plan, Reen! Tweeet!"

SO they made costumes. Now, there was a male bird who saw Xeen and Reen. His name was Steinersteinhead. He got excited and thought, "Wow, Teen must have duplicated herself! WOO!" So he flew over and chirped under their armpits, because that's what birds do. Instead of chirping back, Reen and Xeen gave him gross bugs to eat and smeared blood all over his blue and white plumage. He flew away, disgusted, and was mad at "Teen."

All the birds noticed "Teen's" odd behavior and they got together, and started to sing about it, while dancing and chirping in hindi (like this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7Axr1b0kT8 ORRR http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUgd9P_AnXQ)! Steinersteinhead still couldn't believe how rude Teen and been, and set up a plan to discover the truth.

He told the Teens to fly over, so Reen and Xeen did so, confused on why he was still talking to them. He said, "I chirp must have done chirp chirp something wrong, so I got you this pin. What you do is pin it your tail to the ground and try and fly, and then you'll become happier and prettier!" Reen and Xeen were stupid, and fell for it. Then did what he said, and instead of becoming happier and prettier, their costumes came off!! Steinersteinhead then said, "AHA! I CHIRP KNEW SOMETHING CHIRP WAS CHIRP CHIRP WRONG!!" Reen and Xeen were then banished from Bird World and flew to Cat world. That. . . didn't work out so well. Anyywaaayyyy....

Steinersteinhead and Teen got a bird wedding and the other birds voted them as ruler. From that day on, life was just chirpy for the birds.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Frustrated

God! Everyone keeps fucking misinterpreting what I'm saying, or telling me stuff without backing it up!!! It's driving me insane. I was complaining about not hanging out enough with people, so a friend tells me, "We would invite you, but you and Ian are always all over each other, so we don't..." NO NO NO. THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.

I am not just Christine, who is going out with Ian. We are not the same person. Yes that's cute, but seriously! I MEANT ME. NOT HIM. ME! Why don't you invite me, not why don't you invite US!? I really don't care anymore, I just hated getting a bullshit answer that made little sense.

Also! Another friend told me I was in a "destructive relationship." You know, I was happy to listen why. If that's so, I might look into making changes OR break up with Ian. YES. Break up with him. We're so close at this point, that I'm confident we would be friends afterward. Absolutely confident. I might be acting ignorant, but at least that's one less thing to make be afraid of the future.

It made me angry, because he REFUSED to explain himself! WTF. WHY WOULD YOU MAKE SUCH A DRAMATIC STATEMENT AND NOT BACK IT UP. FUCK MY FEELINGS, IF IT'S GOOD IN THE LONG RUN, FUCKING TELL ME!!!

I don't understand how my relationship could be perceived as "destructive." We're both totally happy. In fact, the only reason I've doubted that, IS BECAUSE OF THIS STUPID FRIEND WHO IS FULL OF SHIT. Not really, he's actually really smart, but WHATEVER.

And you know what?! I could sit there and pick apart everyone else, like they apparently do with me, BUT I DON'T, because

1. I know it's rude
2. Why is it my place to judge?
3. I don't say crap if I don't know what I'm talking about

This person doesn't know the tiniest thing about my relationship! God... people are full of shit these days.