Relief

So, these past few months have obviously been turbulent for me and Ian. I almost, but didn't have the guts to, broke up with him. Despite what my posts have displayed, it was just as much my fault as it was his. I was constantly putting up this emotional front that anyone would have a hard time to deal with, especially Ian. It was a bit selfish of me to expect him to do exactly what I wanted him to; however, he wasn't smart on his part to completely ignore it. Perhaps it wasn't that I didn't have the guts to break up, but because I knew there was something there for me. I'm not stupid, I know where to stop. If this was such a destructive relationship, I would have shut it down.

But something inside me was holding me back from breaking it off. It wasn't that I loved him, because love does destroy sometimes. It's obvious that I loved and still love him. I woke up on Christmas morning, and remembered WHY I loved him. I had forgotten. I was blinded by the grudge I was holding. I had forgotten not only why I loved him, but simply why I was FRIENDS with him.

Why was I attracted to him, as a person, in the first place? He's caring, funny, spazzy, genuine, intelligent, and gorgeous, among countless other things. When I realized that, I wanted to jump up and down and scream. I was so fucking happy; how could I have forgotten what an amazing person he was?

It was time for me to forget the past, and look to the future. This grudge I had been holding stopped me from seeing his inner beauty, and caused me to continuously bring up the pain caused from our mistakes. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, and I can't be more thankful for having the strength to release that grudge. Sorry, the love I have for him can not be relinquished that easily.


I love Ian Angier McTeague, and I'm happy about it. <3

Wonder and realization

Wonder:
I've come to realize that I automatically expect that you don't care about me; that I'm the last of your priorities, that you'd much rather do something else, or chill with someone else. What brings this up, you ask?

Well, you know on Friday, how I called out to you, you "ignored" me (had headphones in, and didn't hear), and I thought you didn't care and didn't want to see me? Afterwards you were talking about how it made you sad that I automatically think you're just being an ass hole, or I'm not important, or whatever...and I started wondering. Why? Why do I feel that I'm not important to you? Why do I think that you'll have the most sociopathic (is that even a word...?) response? What could have happened that set things this way? When did this all come about? It wasn't always this way. I used to expect you to care for me, I'm your friggin' girlfriend!

Also, a half of me KNOWS you care. The logical side. Christine, think about how he responds when he sees you. It's not negative...he loves you, silly! And I KNOW that is the right answer, yet I fail to jump to that conclusion.

Realization:
See previous post.
Also, I have pretty low self-esteem (har har, what a surprise), and I put myself last. Why should anyone else do differently, eh?
I'm pretty sure when you combine those two, you get the answer.

Another project for me to work on!!! ^_^ Ian loves you!
(and by "you" I mean me. =P)

I'm STILL pissed.

I just can't let go of the fact that Ian didn't even attempt to hang out over the summer. If we were together, it's because I worked my butt off to find a day where he wasn't with his friends.

From earlier post...

Yes! It's finally SUMMER! God, I've been looking forward to this for MONTHS. God, it just feels so good! I have so much to look forward to:

-hanging out with friends

As if! Like he even cared about me enough to make any sort of effort to talk to me! I was the one always texting him. I tried to call. I constantly asked him whether he was available. I was the one who stayed up until two or three am just to exchange a few words with him!!!

But Christine! He really had no choice! You were cooped up in your house, what could he have done? It's really not his fault, you know...

HE HAS MY FUCKING NUMBER. HE COULD HAVE PICKED UP THE PHONE AND CALLED, DUMBASS. He could have at least TRIED. God, he just failed at being a boyfriend! Yes, I'm bringing this up, ohhh...say, three or four months late. I'm sorry!! I just need to get this out! It just...hurt really bad. Was I really that insignificant? Was I? It made me feel worthless. And I guess that's what I was to him, because HE'S never indicated otherwise.

*SCREAMS*


In case you can't tell, this REALLY pissed me off. What a fuck-head.

And of course I love him. <3

Backwards

Did you read my last post? Go. Read it, or this won't make sense.

Now, I want to say life has turned to shit, but I'm mega-uber-happy! I'm not complaining...but what the hell?!?

NONSENSE! Ha, life's pulling a practical joke. I'm almost sure of it. =)

Oh great.

My emotions no longer correspond with what's going on in my life. I look logically at what's been happening, and for me to feel this shitty makes no sense. None at all.

I HATE THIS NONSENSE.