The Rise and Fall of Christinez0rz

Don't worry, this isn't another emo post. Those posts pretty much suck. Anyways, I've decided that if I want to make any sort of progress with...anything...I need to figure out what my strengths and weaknesses are. I want to know more about myself. If you would like to point some things out to me, you can leave a comment telling me what you like/dislike about me. It would actually kind of be appreciated! (EW!! SHEREEN JUST LICKED ME! Anyways...) So here goes...

Strengths:

1. Empathy/sympathy/compassion
2. Good listener
3. Caring
4. Nurturing
5. Adaptable
6. Tolerant
7. Silly
8. Thoughtful
9. Altruistic
10. Loving

Weaknesses:

1. Hyper-emotional
2. Obsessive
3. Does not trust
4. Push-over
5. Passive-aggressive
6. Holds grudges
7. Procrastinates
8. Irrational
9. Cares too much/invests way too deep
10. Spiteful (sometimes)

That's all for now. I really suck at coming up with lists, as it turns out. In other news, the Moldy Peaches are satanist! Who woulda thought!

WARNING: narcissim ahead!

I'm warning you now -- the following post is stock full of narcissism and the works.

I'm an amazing person. I really think I'm awesome for the crap I've put up with, the crap I make myself go through, all the shit I take from my parents...yet, I still come to school all happy and bubbly -- my main concern being to make everyone happy. Who the hell is that awesome?

I sometimes wonder if there's anyone out there like me? I'm not saying I'm perfect. God, no. But...I love that I'm my own unique person. I love looking back and stuff that's happened and seeing how wonderfully I handled it. A normal person would have gone insane. From what my friends tell me, most people can't deal with the stuff I went through and come out the other end sane. I must be crazy. =P

I love how I treat people well (except on RARE occasion, and it's usually and accident), no matter who they are. I love being able to be nice to complete and total pricks. I love being able to look back at all the people who treat my shitty and think, "Wow -- I am so much better than them."

At the end of this post, I want to be able to say it outright: I love myself. But I can't. That's not meant to be a depressing comment. It's just true. I do think, however, that I am one hell of an amazing person.

Mystery Person

Anyone's who has met me knows that, in person, I'm usually happy, bubbly, etc. But as of late, I haven't felt connected to anyone. Social interaction has been painful. This really kills me, because I absolutely love my friends. I don't know how to react to anyone's presence.

I don't know how to act anymore. I just....bleh. Oh well. I'll just keep trucking (haha, I love saying that). Life is a bitch. Seriously. If life were a person, she'd be a bi-polar, slutty, drug-using, angsty, tease. I'd probably hate Life is she was ever a person.

She picks on me. And she'd probably punch me in the face if she had hands. Maybe it's not life. Maybe it's me. I don't appreciate the person I've become.

I don't know what to say. This is a scattered post. I apologize. I want a hug.

Trip

Dreams are and something walruses
Gleams and flickers of consciousness
Moons a-rising to tickle birdies goodbye
Watch me wander and point to the sky.

People are lowing
No, animals are slowing
Water is glowing
Still, candles are flowing
Now, lead us to reality.

Eden kisses internal shows
Flight is showing what really glows
Fleeing under crowded tunnels
Eat your greens with broken shovels.

That's it.


This poem came to me during English. I was sitting there listening to Jarmer read Huckleberry Finn, when I hear music coming from the neighboring room. There are lyrics to the song, and what I hear is, "Dreams are and something walruses." Now, I'm almost certain those were not the words, but they inspired this poem. Don't ask me what it's about, or what the point of it is, because I have no clue. I like it, though.

Chilling with my boy.

I really really like spending time with Ian. A LOT. We just...feed off of each other. I mean, I just grow more and more happy when he's around. He's like the opposite of a dementor!! I really love it. I guess you could call it chemistry.

Whether we're with my friends, his friends (yes, even his friends, ha. What? They're funny!!), or alone with each other, I can't help but be happy. And it's my mission to keep him happy while I'm around. Not that I expect him to automatically be happy with me, but if he's in a bad mood then all I want or care about is for him to be happy.

I just can't get enough of him. Of course, I don't wanna have Tim and Elaine kind of time with him. They're just insane (though I love them both dearly! <3)!! I just want to HANG OUT with him more often. Not just at school. Like, on weekends and stuff. I wanna spend time with my boyfriend! It's fun! I don't care where we are, what time it is or who we're with! It's fine! I mean, I suppose spending time with Voldemort in Mordor at 1 am wouldn't be pleasant. But... love being with him.

So, Ian, if you're reading this, call me up and we should hang out! Really! And in case you forgot my number:

Home - 509-786-8715
Cell - 971-344-6813

I love you! Call me!!!!!!!! <3

Relief

So, these past few months have obviously been turbulent for me and Ian. I almost, but didn't have the guts to, broke up with him. Despite what my posts have displayed, it was just as much my fault as it was his. I was constantly putting up this emotional front that anyone would have a hard time to deal with, especially Ian. It was a bit selfish of me to expect him to do exactly what I wanted him to; however, he wasn't smart on his part to completely ignore it. Perhaps it wasn't that I didn't have the guts to break up, but because I knew there was something there for me. I'm not stupid, I know where to stop. If this was such a destructive relationship, I would have shut it down.

But something inside me was holding me back from breaking it off. It wasn't that I loved him, because love does destroy sometimes. It's obvious that I loved and still love him. I woke up on Christmas morning, and remembered WHY I loved him. I had forgotten. I was blinded by the grudge I was holding. I had forgotten not only why I loved him, but simply why I was FRIENDS with him.

Why was I attracted to him, as a person, in the first place? He's caring, funny, spazzy, genuine, intelligent, and gorgeous, among countless other things. When I realized that, I wanted to jump up and down and scream. I was so fucking happy; how could I have forgotten what an amazing person he was?

It was time for me to forget the past, and look to the future. This grudge I had been holding stopped me from seeing his inner beauty, and caused me to continuously bring up the pain caused from our mistakes. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, and I can't be more thankful for having the strength to release that grudge. Sorry, the love I have for him can not be relinquished that easily.


I love Ian Angier McTeague, and I'm happy about it. <3

Wonder and realization

Wonder:
I've come to realize that I automatically expect that you don't care about me; that I'm the last of your priorities, that you'd much rather do something else, or chill with someone else. What brings this up, you ask?

Well, you know on Friday, how I called out to you, you "ignored" me (had headphones in, and didn't hear), and I thought you didn't care and didn't want to see me? Afterwards you were talking about how it made you sad that I automatically think you're just being an ass hole, or I'm not important, or whatever...and I started wondering. Why? Why do I feel that I'm not important to you? Why do I think that you'll have the most sociopathic (is that even a word...?) response? What could have happened that set things this way? When did this all come about? It wasn't always this way. I used to expect you to care for me, I'm your friggin' girlfriend!

Also, a half of me KNOWS you care. The logical side. Christine, think about how he responds when he sees you. It's not negative...he loves you, silly! And I KNOW that is the right answer, yet I fail to jump to that conclusion.

Realization:
See previous post.
Also, I have pretty low self-esteem (har har, what a surprise), and I put myself last. Why should anyone else do differently, eh?
I'm pretty sure when you combine those two, you get the answer.

Another project for me to work on!!! ^_^ Ian loves you!
(and by "you" I mean me. =P)

I'm STILL pissed.

I just can't let go of the fact that Ian didn't even attempt to hang out over the summer. If we were together, it's because I worked my butt off to find a day where he wasn't with his friends.

From earlier post...

Yes! It's finally SUMMER! God, I've been looking forward to this for MONTHS. God, it just feels so good! I have so much to look forward to:

-hanging out with friends

As if! Like he even cared about me enough to make any sort of effort to talk to me! I was the one always texting him. I tried to call. I constantly asked him whether he was available. I was the one who stayed up until two or three am just to exchange a few words with him!!!

But Christine! He really had no choice! You were cooped up in your house, what could he have done? It's really not his fault, you know...

HE HAS MY FUCKING NUMBER. HE COULD HAVE PICKED UP THE PHONE AND CALLED, DUMBASS. He could have at least TRIED. God, he just failed at being a boyfriend! Yes, I'm bringing this up, ohhh...say, three or four months late. I'm sorry!! I just need to get this out! It just...hurt really bad. Was I really that insignificant? Was I? It made me feel worthless. And I guess that's what I was to him, because HE'S never indicated otherwise.

*SCREAMS*


In case you can't tell, this REALLY pissed me off. What a fuck-head.

And of course I love him. <3

Backwards

Did you read my last post? Go. Read it, or this won't make sense.

Now, I want to say life has turned to shit, but I'm mega-uber-happy! I'm not complaining...but what the hell?!?

NONSENSE! Ha, life's pulling a practical joke. I'm almost sure of it. =)

Oh great.

My emotions no longer correspond with what's going on in my life. I look logically at what's been happening, and for me to feel this shitty makes no sense. None at all.

I HATE THIS NONSENSE.

Loveeovl

Love is real , real is love
Love is feeling , feeling love
Love is wanting to be loved

Love is touch, touch is love
Love is reaching, reaching love
Love is asking to be loved

Love is you
You and me
Love is knowing
we can be

Love is free, free is love
Love is living, living love
Love is needed to be loved

I love this song..gnos siht evol I
I wish John Lennon wrote this to me...

Scary shit...

...is too difficult to write about. My first-cousin-once-removed had one of his friends in a serious car accident; according to him, she was amazing, and is in critical condition, and it pisses me off. So you know what I'm going to do? Write about something superficial to take my mind off of this fucked up shit.

Hmm...oh I know! I'm turning my blog into one of those stupid Myspace bulletins. Or not. God, I feel so bad for my cousin...FUCK. IT'S NOT FAIR.

She, according to him, was a nice girl, one of the happiest he knew. She was smart, caring, nice...and THEN SHE GETS HIT BY AN OLD LADY. Yeah. That's right. She was hit by an old lady on her way to work, and now she cracked her skull, her jaw, and has a lot of swelling on her spinal chord. WTF.

First of all, almost no one deserves that, let alone one of the few people like her who deserve a beautiful life. I mean, her looks will permanently be distorted, and she's still in critical condition. Who even knows if she's going to fucking live.

UGH. Life is a bitch. With a capital B.

Mind and Body

I just realized the compliment each other. I mean, sure I've heard things like that. Whatever. But I've finally experienced it.

So, my boyfriend and I were going through a rough spot (tangled emotions, unsaid problems, distance....etc.). Wah wah. But I've found that when I'm happy and around him, I gain all this energy. I feel upbeat and willing to go out and do things, even if I've only got 3 hours of sleep. My head aches clear, I forget any physical troubles....

And after we do boyfriend-girlfriend...things...my mind clears, I feel like problems have solved. That's not even it. Problems arrive if we don't get a chance to be alone with each other and absorb everything there is to absorb from being in each other's presence. We really need to carve out some time in our schedules to bask in each other's resplendence....

And I feel that all relationships need that, whether it's with family members, friends, boyfriend...whatever. And no, I do not mean I want to make out with my family...ew. I mean that...I dunno physical contact tends to fuel a healthy relationship. It's a wonderful thing.

Aaaaah, the joy of love. Hehe. <3

Damn it...

I've lost the motivation to live. It's not that I want to die, or anything like that; it's just, I feel like nothing is pushing me to strive. Nothing makes me feel passionate. And it really sucks.

For the majority of my life, I've always had a few things, maybe even one, or people, who made me feel like no matter what happened, at least I had them. Don't get me wrong, I still do love my friends and family and Ian, of course; but their presence has ceased to make me feel better. It has stopped making me feel as if no matter what goes wrong, I'll have them (or it...depending on what we're talking about...). God damn it, even HARRY FUCKING POTTER DOESN'T MAKE ME JUMP UP AND DOWN AND SCREAM WITH JOY!

I no longer strive for the best grade in the class, or at least one of the best grades. No longer do I care what my work looks like. Half-assed gets me by, why work harder? Who gives a fuck about college? It's just the same shit all over again, but harder. Who cares about life? All it is is a vicious monster that wants to suck out the happiness that is trying to embrace me spirit. I don't care about my hair, my clothes, my body. Nothing matters. I WANT to die, because living a passionless life is horrible. Living with nothing to live for is just about the worst thing I've ever come across. And I've given it a chance. Trust me, I have. Nothing seems to work anymore...I don't know if this makes sense.

My loss of determination...loss of passion...it has made life futile.

P.S. I am also in dire need of a good fucking.

Calling you...

"Calling You"

There's something I can't quite explain
I'm so in love with you
You'll never take that away
And if I've said it a hundred times before
Expect a thousand more
You'll never take that away

So expect me to be
Calling you to see
If you're okay when I'm not around
Asking "if you love me"
I love the way you make it sound
Calling you to see
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make us smile

[Chorus]
I will keep calling you to see
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me
I can't believe you actually picked me

I thought that the world had lost it's sway
It's so hard sometimes
Then I fell in love with you
Then came you
And you took that away
It's not so difficult
The world is not so difficult
You take away the old
Show me the new
And I feel like I can fly when I stand next to you
So while I'm on this phone
A hundred miles from home
I'll take the words you gave me and send them back to you

I only want to see
If you're okay when I'm not around
Asking "if you love me"
I love the way you make it sound
Calling you to see
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make us smile

[Chorus]

God...I really wished someone cared about me this much. I can relate to him so much...it's extremely shattering. I wish I could just have someone out there who would call me to say, 'I love you!' or just to make sure I'm okay. It's what I honestly need...I know I have Ian, don't get me wrong! I love him so much, and I'm extremely thankful he's there.
But he's not exactly the kind to just run up to me and hug me, or send me a text listing all the reasons he loves me; and to be honest, that's how I am. Just ask him. How many fucking emails have I sent with either just a leet heart or a simple, 'You're amazing'? I would never stop telling him that, and I never will...even if we do break up. Because I loved him platonically, prior to being "in love" with him. But anyways...
I just need someone to show me they love me that much...

Complain, complain, wah wah wah....

WARNING: the following post is pure whiny bitchy complaints. Some are not important, but some are very real.

1. I'm fucking cold.
2. My hair is all messed up (it's not perfect like it has been as of late)
3. I feel ugly
4. Actually, it's more like I don't feel sexy or attractive
5. I hate homework
6. I hate how Dolly! is going to make me stressed uberly
7. I hate how I don't get a single moment when something isn't bugging me
8. My head hurts
9. I want to talk to Ian on the phone...but I probably can't
10. I miss Shereen
11. I miss Chelsea
12. I hate that dance lessons have been making my legs hurt like hell
13. I hate that I have a 3.5 GP-fucking-A
14. I hate that I'm so whiny
15. I feel useless
16. I want to be alone with Ian, but STUPID school, and STUPID parents are never going to let that happen
17. I miss grandma...
18. I'm not as smart as I was as a child, compared to others
19. I can't read as fast as I could
20. I fuck everything up
21. I'm a no good piece of crap
22. I feel like crying, but my tear glands seem to be broken
23. What I need more than a good cry is a good cry on a good friend
24. I want people to show that they care about me, because I need constant reassurance
25. I hate life
26. I have no opinion
27. I'm not as cool as everyone else
28. I need someone I can depend on
29. I need someone who cares about me
30. I feel like I don't have the above two...
31. And now Carlina hates me

Dude, I can't even verbalize how shitty I'm feeling right now. I need a hug. And a shoulder to cry on. =(

Love

Whoa, it's like I'm falling in love all over again. <33333

What the fuck.

Where did you go? Who are you? Since when did you stop listening to yourself? That's all that's really bothering me. Get a grip soon, you fucking hypocrite, or this whole thing is done. Seriously.

As in it's OVER. =(

Warning: emoness ahead

Is it really such a bad thing that I care about you? Hm, maybe it is...but you've really got me stumped. I pour every drop of happiness I can muster into you, and you don't seem to care. I stop, and you act like I've done something wrong. WHAT is it that you want me to do? I care about you, and if it bothers you that I show any sort of concern when you alarm me, then too bad. Here - I'm gonna let you in on a little secret - FRIENDS CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER. WHEN ONE IS IN NEED, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FUCKING CARE. Now, if I fufill that requirement, I apologize a thousand times, because you don't seem to give a fuck about anything I feel or think anymore.

I'm here, if you just want someone to listen, but you don't want to talk. You don't seem to want to ever do anything that doesn't make you look look like the epitomy of perfection. I'm sorry if I'm not incessantly kissing your feet, but that's not my job. I'm only human, and if I'm not as cool as you, live with it. I have flaws yes, but at least I try and work on them. Maybe you're just blind. Maybe you don't care. I do care about you, but you don't seem to see that...you blind, thoughtless prick.

I love you all.


P.S. This can be to whoever you want it to be to...mais, je pense que vous sait qui vous êtes.

Ignorance

Ignorance is tolerable, but to the extreme, it just drives me up wall. Of course, I'm being a total and complete hypocrite, because I'm one of the most ignorant people you shall ever meet.

Back on topic...this particular entry has to do with people's knowledge of India. I keep getting asked stupid questions about India that any dimwit should know.

"Do they have electricity in India?"
"Where do you sleep...do they have houses?"
"So does your family have to live in little huts? Why don't you just buy a bigger hut for them?"
"Do they use money...or do they just trade stuff like we used to?"

Honestly! What the hell! YES, we have electricity, no, not ALL of India is a wasteland filled with savage huts, and YES, YES, YES WE HAVE MONEY. IT'S CALLED RUPEES, DAMN IT.

And these are coming from people I would expect to know, ranging from college students to 50 year old women! That's like asking a Jew how they're doing, recovering form the Holocaust (hopefully, they're not a holocaust survivor...), or something!

Oh well. I guess people are just ignorant, blumbering fools. Hmf.

BTW - today is Harry Potter's 27th birthday! Happee Birthday Harry!