Relief

So, these past few months have obviously been turbulent for me and Ian. I almost, but didn't have the guts to, broke up with him. Despite what my posts have displayed, it was just as much my fault as it was his. I was constantly putting up this emotional front that anyone would have a hard time to deal with, especially Ian. It was a bit selfish of me to expect him to do exactly what I wanted him to; however, he wasn't smart on his part to completely ignore it. Perhaps it wasn't that I didn't have the guts to break up, but because I knew there was something there for me. I'm not stupid, I know where to stop. If this was such a destructive relationship, I would have shut it down.

But something inside me was holding me back from breaking it off. It wasn't that I loved him, because love does destroy sometimes. It's obvious that I loved and still love him. I woke up on Christmas morning, and remembered WHY I loved him. I had forgotten. I was blinded by the grudge I was holding. I had forgotten not only why I loved him, but simply why I was FRIENDS with him.

Why was I attracted to him, as a person, in the first place? He's caring, funny, spazzy, genuine, intelligent, and gorgeous, among countless other things. When I realized that, I wanted to jump up and down and scream. I was so fucking happy; how could I have forgotten what an amazing person he was?

It was time for me to forget the past, and look to the future. This grudge I had been holding stopped me from seeing his inner beauty, and caused me to continuously bring up the pain caused from our mistakes. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, and I can't be more thankful for having the strength to release that grudge. Sorry, the love I have for him can not be relinquished that easily.


I love Ian Angier McTeague, and I'm happy about it. <3