Loveeovl

Love is real , real is love
Love is feeling , feeling love
Love is wanting to be loved

Love is touch, touch is love
Love is reaching, reaching love
Love is asking to be loved

Love is you
You and me
Love is knowing
we can be

Love is free, free is love
Love is living, living love
Love is needed to be loved

I love this song..gnos siht evol I
I wish John Lennon wrote this to me...

Scary shit...

...is too difficult to write about. My first-cousin-once-removed had one of his friends in a serious car accident; according to him, she was amazing, and is in critical condition, and it pisses me off. So you know what I'm going to do? Write about something superficial to take my mind off of this fucked up shit.

Hmm...oh I know! I'm turning my blog into one of those stupid Myspace bulletins. Or not. God, I feel so bad for my cousin...FUCK. IT'S NOT FAIR.

She, according to him, was a nice girl, one of the happiest he knew. She was smart, caring, nice...and THEN SHE GETS HIT BY AN OLD LADY. Yeah. That's right. She was hit by an old lady on her way to work, and now she cracked her skull, her jaw, and has a lot of swelling on her spinal chord. WTF.

First of all, almost no one deserves that, let alone one of the few people like her who deserve a beautiful life. I mean, her looks will permanently be distorted, and she's still in critical condition. Who even knows if she's going to fucking live.

UGH. Life is a bitch. With a capital B.

Mind and Body

I just realized the compliment each other. I mean, sure I've heard things like that. Whatever. But I've finally experienced it.

So, my boyfriend and I were going through a rough spot (tangled emotions, unsaid problems, distance....etc.). Wah wah. But I've found that when I'm happy and around him, I gain all this energy. I feel upbeat and willing to go out and do things, even if I've only got 3 hours of sleep. My head aches clear, I forget any physical troubles....

And after we do boyfriend-girlfriend...things...my mind clears, I feel like problems have solved. That's not even it. Problems arrive if we don't get a chance to be alone with each other and absorb everything there is to absorb from being in each other's presence. We really need to carve out some time in our schedules to bask in each other's resplendence....

And I feel that all relationships need that, whether it's with family members, friends, boyfriend...whatever. And no, I do not mean I want to make out with my family...ew. I mean that...I dunno physical contact tends to fuel a healthy relationship. It's a wonderful thing.

Aaaaah, the joy of love. Hehe. <3

Damn it...

I've lost the motivation to live. It's not that I want to die, or anything like that; it's just, I feel like nothing is pushing me to strive. Nothing makes me feel passionate. And it really sucks.

For the majority of my life, I've always had a few things, maybe even one, or people, who made me feel like no matter what happened, at least I had them. Don't get me wrong, I still do love my friends and family and Ian, of course; but their presence has ceased to make me feel better. It has stopped making me feel as if no matter what goes wrong, I'll have them (or it...depending on what we're talking about...). God damn it, even HARRY FUCKING POTTER DOESN'T MAKE ME JUMP UP AND DOWN AND SCREAM WITH JOY!

I no longer strive for the best grade in the class, or at least one of the best grades. No longer do I care what my work looks like. Half-assed gets me by, why work harder? Who gives a fuck about college? It's just the same shit all over again, but harder. Who cares about life? All it is is a vicious monster that wants to suck out the happiness that is trying to embrace me spirit. I don't care about my hair, my clothes, my body. Nothing matters. I WANT to die, because living a passionless life is horrible. Living with nothing to live for is just about the worst thing I've ever come across. And I've given it a chance. Trust me, I have. Nothing seems to work anymore...I don't know if this makes sense.

My loss of determination...loss of passion...it has made life futile.

P.S. I am also in dire need of a good fucking.

Calling you...

"Calling You"

There's something I can't quite explain
I'm so in love with you
You'll never take that away
And if I've said it a hundred times before
Expect a thousand more
You'll never take that away

So expect me to be
Calling you to see
If you're okay when I'm not around
Asking "if you love me"
I love the way you make it sound
Calling you to see
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make us smile

[Chorus]
I will keep calling you to see
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me
I can't believe you actually picked me

I thought that the world had lost it's sway
It's so hard sometimes
Then I fell in love with you
Then came you
And you took that away
It's not so difficult
The world is not so difficult
You take away the old
Show me the new
And I feel like I can fly when I stand next to you
So while I'm on this phone
A hundred miles from home
I'll take the words you gave me and send them back to you

I only want to see
If you're okay when I'm not around
Asking "if you love me"
I love the way you make it sound
Calling you to see
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make us smile

[Chorus]

God...I really wished someone cared about me this much. I can relate to him so much...it's extremely shattering. I wish I could just have someone out there who would call me to say, 'I love you!' or just to make sure I'm okay. It's what I honestly need...I know I have Ian, don't get me wrong! I love him so much, and I'm extremely thankful he's there.
But he's not exactly the kind to just run up to me and hug me, or send me a text listing all the reasons he loves me; and to be honest, that's how I am. Just ask him. How many fucking emails have I sent with either just a leet heart or a simple, 'You're amazing'? I would never stop telling him that, and I never will...even if we do break up. Because I loved him platonically, prior to being "in love" with him. But anyways...
I just need someone to show me they love me that much...

Complain, complain, wah wah wah....

WARNING: the following post is pure whiny bitchy complaints. Some are not important, but some are very real.

1. I'm fucking cold.
2. My hair is all messed up (it's not perfect like it has been as of late)
3. I feel ugly
4. Actually, it's more like I don't feel sexy or attractive
5. I hate homework
6. I hate how Dolly! is going to make me stressed uberly
7. I hate how I don't get a single moment when something isn't bugging me
8. My head hurts
9. I want to talk to Ian on the phone...but I probably can't
10. I miss Shereen
11. I miss Chelsea
12. I hate that dance lessons have been making my legs hurt like hell
13. I hate that I have a 3.5 GP-fucking-A
14. I hate that I'm so whiny
15. I feel useless
16. I want to be alone with Ian, but STUPID school, and STUPID parents are never going to let that happen
17. I miss grandma...
18. I'm not as smart as I was as a child, compared to others
19. I can't read as fast as I could
20. I fuck everything up
21. I'm a no good piece of crap
22. I feel like crying, but my tear glands seem to be broken
23. What I need more than a good cry is a good cry on a good friend
24. I want people to show that they care about me, because I need constant reassurance
25. I hate life
26. I have no opinion
27. I'm not as cool as everyone else
28. I need someone I can depend on
29. I need someone who cares about me
30. I feel like I don't have the above two...
31. And now Carlina hates me

Dude, I can't even verbalize how shitty I'm feeling right now. I need a hug. And a shoulder to cry on. =(

Love

Whoa, it's like I'm falling in love all over again. <33333

What the fuck.

Where did you go? Who are you? Since when did you stop listening to yourself? That's all that's really bothering me. Get a grip soon, you fucking hypocrite, or this whole thing is done. Seriously.

As in it's OVER. =(

Warning: emoness ahead

Is it really such a bad thing that I care about you? Hm, maybe it is...but you've really got me stumped. I pour every drop of happiness I can muster into you, and you don't seem to care. I stop, and you act like I've done something wrong. WHAT is it that you want me to do? I care about you, and if it bothers you that I show any sort of concern when you alarm me, then too bad. Here - I'm gonna let you in on a little secret - FRIENDS CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER. WHEN ONE IS IN NEED, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FUCKING CARE. Now, if I fufill that requirement, I apologize a thousand times, because you don't seem to give a fuck about anything I feel or think anymore.

I'm here, if you just want someone to listen, but you don't want to talk. You don't seem to want to ever do anything that doesn't make you look look like the epitomy of perfection. I'm sorry if I'm not incessantly kissing your feet, but that's not my job. I'm only human, and if I'm not as cool as you, live with it. I have flaws yes, but at least I try and work on them. Maybe you're just blind. Maybe you don't care. I do care about you, but you don't seem to see that...you blind, thoughtless prick.

I love you all.


P.S. This can be to whoever you want it to be to...mais, je pense que vous sait qui vous êtes.

Ignorance

Ignorance is tolerable, but to the extreme, it just drives me up wall. Of course, I'm being a total and complete hypocrite, because I'm one of the most ignorant people you shall ever meet.

Back on topic...this particular entry has to do with people's knowledge of India. I keep getting asked stupid questions about India that any dimwit should know.

"Do they have electricity in India?"
"Where do you sleep...do they have houses?"
"So does your family have to live in little huts? Why don't you just buy a bigger hut for them?"
"Do they use money...or do they just trade stuff like we used to?"

Honestly! What the hell! YES, we have electricity, no, not ALL of India is a wasteland filled with savage huts, and YES, YES, YES WE HAVE MONEY. IT'S CALLED RUPEES, DAMN IT.

And these are coming from people I would expect to know, ranging from college students to 50 year old women! That's like asking a Jew how they're doing, recovering form the Holocaust (hopefully, they're not a holocaust survivor...), or something!

Oh well. I guess people are just ignorant, blumbering fools. Hmf.

BTW - today is Harry Potter's 27th birthday! Happee Birthday Harry!

HJP...oh and thinking can be painful.

First of all OMG OMG HARRY POTTER. IT'S GONE. I'M GOING TO DIE. BUT IT WAS AMAZING. I LOVED IT!!! PERFECT ENDING. SO GENIUS!

Second, thinking has been way too much work for me lately. Actually it's just this one thing. Okay, so people date, go out, whatever you wanna call it, right? Well, you're either going to break up with that person, or marry them. Or just keep going out with them forever?????

1. You break up

What's the point of going out with someone if you're just going to end up breaking up and heartbroken? I mean, if you know you're not going to end up with that person, then what's the point of going out with them at all??


2. You get married

Who the hell thinks, after a few months, "Hmm...I think I'm going to end up marrying this person..." Especially in high school!!! That is extremely unlikely.


3. You go out forever.

Three letters. Ready? W. T. F.

See...I'm tired, and confused. Relationships need to die. And everyone needs to become bunnies and like Harry Potter and then turn into blades of grass. Please disregard the previous sentence. ^^

EDIT: I think my point was, what are you supposed to expect out of a relationship...I mean in the future?

Penises

Holy shit, they're not even pretty!! Honestly! The female body is so much more beautiful! I mean...less hair, curves, boobs...we've got it all!! Men, however...the most they've got is muscley arms and abs. Penises, what about penises you say?? No! They're not pretty! Not even the almighty Daniel Radciffe's! I mean...it just looks like a lumpy sausage. Not even appetizing!! Cleavage, however, is much more mesmerizing. I'm sure us vaginas got the better end of the deal...

Now, that's enough nudity!!!! Ummm...to redeem myeslf...take a look at this!

That's all for now....HARRY POTTER COMES OUT ON SATURDAY WOOOT!

**HEAT**

Oh. My. Effing. Gosh. I can't handle this heat! No longer can I wake up, see the sun and say, "Aaaah, what a beautiful day! I love the summer time." No. Gone are the days where little children play on the sidewalk. Yes....yes, NOW little children FRY on the sidewalk! As I walk downstairs, beautiful and fleeting images of the vivid colors of fall, the cool breeze as a dying leaf dances at your feet, a dead tree looming over a fence flash through my mind...oh, how I long for the autumn. The winter...the cold. They have come to hold a dear place in my heart. Not to mention the rain...

O Rain, how I love you. There is no better feeling that encompasses me, than the one that soars through my veins when you caress my face (okay, perhaps Ian can top that...). How I long for you! I miss hearing your arrival as you patter on the roof. How lonely the leaves must feel without your sacred drops prancing and sliding on their bellies, infant waterfalls dumping forth pools of joy. Rain, rain, please don't go away...

I don't know why...

...but I sort of feel like posting this poem a family-friend wrote. I never viewed him as much of a poet, but whatevz. Anyways, obviously, he's been in Iraq and has seen some major crap...so yeah!

Take a man and put him alone, Put him twelve thousand miles from home. Empty his heart of all but blood, Make him live in sand, in mud. This is the life I have to live, This the soul to God I give.
You have your parties and drink your beer, While young men are dying over here. Plant your signs on the White House lawn; "Lets get out of Iraq". Use your signs and have your fun, Then refuse to use a gun. There's nothing else for you to do, Then I'm supposed to die for you? There is one thing that you should know; And that's where I think you should go! I'm already here and it's too late.
I've traded all my love for all this hate. I'll hate you till the day I die. You made me hear my buddy cry. I saw his leg and his blood shed,
Then I heard them say, "This one's dead". It was a large price for him to pay, To let you live another day. He had the guts to fight and die, To keep the freedom you live by. By his dying, your life he buys,
But who gives a fuck if a Soldier dies!

California [[is nice to the homeless...]]

Woot! I'm finally back from Cali! Wow...that wedding was amazing in so many ways...I think I'm going to seperate the wedding into four different parts. Enjoy!

1. Fancy Shmancy
Holy crap, dude. Holy. Crap. This wedding is by far the most beautiful wedding I've ever been to...and coming from an Indian family, I've been to a lot. It took place in this precious vineyard in Central California. It was like I had walked into a little tuscan village or something! The sun seemed to kiss everything and make everything beautiful. Everyone was dressed up to the max, and just having the whole family in one place was amazing. The food was good, and...wow. The outside of the reception was amazing. There was a cobblestone path, bordered by a deciduous forest and a bunch of ivy on the other side. Between there was a dirt patio thingy and it was just oh so glorious!! God...I can't even describe it. The flowers were blooming, the trees provided the perfect amount of shade...and...*sigh*....

2. Wasted
Wow. I've never seen my cousins drunk. Ever. I mean, I've heard about it. So, my cousin married a finnish girl, so her whole finnish family was there. You'd think that they'd be the drunk ones, right? NO! The indians! They were dancing like retards, and...oh god, it was so embarrasing, yet incredibly funny. Like, this guy was giving a toast and he was like, "And I know this is going to be a happy marriage, since they are one in Christ..." and my cousin is like, "Right, because Jews nor anyone ELSE in the world could ever be happy!!!" And there was this one who ran around the whole night and introduced us all to the finnish people...every indian girl was named, "Maxine," that night. She couldn't remember our names, lmao. One of my aunts passed out...God, it was hilarious. Because the most drunk ones were the ones who were usually uptight and all. Haha

3. Finnish Boy
-_- So, this drunk finnish father dragged his son over to me, my cousin and Maxine and said, "Would any of you fine ladies like to dance with this young boy!?" We all just sort of looked at him blankly...until my cousin pushed me into the boy!! Argh! The stupidest thing was he couldn't dance, and didn't live up to the 'hot finnish boy' stereotype! I didn't want to say, "Hell no" because that would just seem rude. But...argh. The whole time I was wishing Ian were there and not the stupid bozo behind me. Eventually I got away from him...phew!

4. Bouquet!
Guess what. I caught the bouquet!! "Caught." I actually just picked it up off the ground. She threw it back and it landed next to my cousin's feet, and she just backed away. So I just sort of picked it up half-heartedly and my drunk relative was like, 'YAY MAXINE!' Lol...hope you're ready to get married, Ian! lol jk jk

Other than the wedding, we went to Great America. It's this big fat theme park and it was uber fun! Maxine, Sinu, Paul and Uncle Dalton went on ALL the crazy rides, while Shereen and I just stuck to the baby rides, lmao. But we all enjoyed the water park portion of it. All I can say it was fun. I think the only bad part about it all was the drive there and back. I missed you all, and I really miss the rain! <3

OMG OMG OMG HARRY POTTER COMES OUT SO SOON! I SAW A BUNCH OF ADS IN CALI!! WOOT!

Finally!

I feel like a bird that's been trapped in a cage. A cage of EDUCATION! WAAH!

Yes! It's finally SUMMER! God, I've been looking forward to this for MONTHS. God, it just feels so good! I have so much to look forward to:

-hanging out with friends
-work (I'm not look forward to it, but I <3 teh $$$$$$...
-INDIA! Woo, family FTW! Curry! Palm trees! YAY!
GOSH, I can't wait!!! So excited!
-California! (now whenever I hear that word, I think of Ian and Aubrey singing, "California..."...and and YAY FOR WEDDINGS!)
-haircut (not short, though! definitely pretty, however!)
-eating brownies, playing Harry Potter, and skipping anything that resembles a real meal with certain cousins haha
-Having giant orgys with random people at school and strangers...perhaps with the same certain cousins (don't ask)

Yeah, I could go on and on and on and ONNN....but I won't. BUT FIRST, look at this pretty picture:::::




Isn't he the best?! I love Daniel Radcliffe and Harry Potter and - wait!!

20 DAYS UNTIL HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHEONIX AND 30 DAYS UNTIL HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS!!!!!! (haha, it's me again!)

Stupidity

Today, after orchestra, I didn't think I'd see Ian. I did, however, and it made me extremely excited and happy! I was about ready to run up and talk to him...until Samm came and talked to him. Whatever she said, it made him really really happy, so at least that's good. It was just one of that moments that made me stop in my tracks. But it was really all I could think about during physics.
='(

Yes, I know I'm pathetic and stupid.

Sex

I've really wanted it lately. Bad. This has never happened before. I've usually been a really chaste person. I wouldn't even talk about sex. But the other day...wow.

So...the other day I had a real bad incident. I'm so dissapointed in myself. No, I didn't have sex. Well...I had cybersex. If Ian had never read smut before, he sure did in his texts. Wow, I'm not going to post it, because it'd be quite explicit. A few hours before we were dirty texting (rather, I was dirty texting), I kept "accidentally" dropping the cell phone in my lap, simply because it felt good. He told me I need to learn to masturbate. Ha. So much for Catholicism. I will not masturbate, no siree.

And I thought that it was just a one-day thing. I thought I was just lustful that one night, it'd go away. No big deal. But no! The next day, all I could think about was how much I wanted him. I wanted to share my love in ALL ways possible...and I just feel so guilty. And...today. I almost asked him for sex, because I knew he'd say yes. I now realize why lust is a deadly sin. It's really ruined my innocence.

I really need more self-control. =(

Strings FTW!

I realize this is silly and immature, but I just couldn't help it...

Top 20 Reasons to Date a Strings Player:
20) We can go for hours at a time.
19) The bigger the instrument, the deeper it goes.
18) We always follow the stick.
17) For better sound, we point our f-holes towards the audience.
16) We can shift from position to position with ease.
15) We're good at making up our own fingerings.
14) We're careful with our instruments and we clean them after every use.
13) We can do it fast or slow.
12) When we play, we can be loud or soft.
11) We love to vibrato whenever we have a chance.
10) We like to play in groups of four or more.
9) We can do it sitting or standing.
8) The first violin players always have to lead.
7) But the seconds are always willing to follow.
6) If we make a mistake, we do it over again for perfection.
5) We are always ready to play in any position.
4) We pay close attention to fingerings and accidentals.
3) We can improvise in any situation.
2) We always have at least one G string.
1) Unlike those band nerds, we're good at more than just blowing.

Realization

I need to figure out that people don't bite your head off if you talk to them. Seriously, I went to the elowel meetup yesterday, and the ENTIRE TIME, I either hid behind Ian or just isolated myself with him and Maxine...and Pocahontas for a while, too.
I don't even know why I'm like this. I'll see someone, and automatically avoid contact. Seriously, the only way I meet people, is through other people. I think there's only been two people (some random Mexican girl and Nick Woods...and she came up to me!) in my life who I've known first. Okay, I'm going through a list of friends:

-Elaine: Maxine
-Olivia: Elaine
-Layla: Olivia and Elaine
-Nick B.: Spencer
-Spencer: Nick Woods
-Ian: Nick Bayhi
-Lacey: Elaine
-Lisette: Elaine

Okay, I know everyone through Elaine...or something like that. Anyway, I need to open up or something. But it's really, really, really difficult.