Passover, bitches!

Okay, this is less about Passover and more about how amazing Ian's family is...or how Saturday went...or something along those lines. Hm.

So, I arrived, and froze up, because EVERYONE was staring at me! AAH! Anyway, I kept my cool, and was introduced to good ol' grand pappy and grand mommy (dad's side). They are pretty much the cutest old people EVER ALMOST. They're really nice, and put forward things worth hearing...if that makes much sense. I dunno. I like them.

AND OH MY GOD IAN'S DAD IS SO CUTE! EEEEE!!!!! He's just this bumbling, mellow, super chill dude who's easy to get along with. And when he reads stuff, he reminds me of those people on OBP or whatever that teach you math or proper English or whatever.

Ian's mom is awesome. Ian was right. They DID skip over the important part to get to the food. WHICH WAS AMAZING. Oh my GOD, that apple stuff was so yummy! And that beef stuff and those potatoes! Ian's other grandma is an amazing cook! Yay!

I don't know why I'm writing this. I just feel like life is chilling out, for once. Problems are just seeming to disappear. I don't want to rely on this notion, but I'm not going to pass up enjoying life. I guess the evening just reminded me how happy I've become recently.

School is going to be DONE is two months (OMG YAY OMG YAY OH MY GOD YAY!), Ian and I are doing really well, Julia was cool, and...I don't know. Everything just seems great. I'm enjoying it while it's here. Granted I won't get enough sleep sooner or later, and when stress comes my way I'm going to fall into a pit of "AAAAH!" but of course I'll get out of that. As usual.

Sorry. This is super scattered and random. I love you, everyone! ^_^

Off Limits

There is a moment at night,
when my curiosities
Take me to forbidden land.

There is a blink of daytime,
When all I want
Is all I can't have.

There is a room of answers,
In which all I wonder,
Is behind a locked door.

For some reason, I like this poem. Odd. I usually despise my poetry.

DANG IT.

Ian's pissed at me. I should have known that things are different in theory than in practice. He said he wouldn't care...but I guess he did. And now I don't feel very good. =(

Spin the Bottle

I think this game is just an excuse to kiss hotties (for the most part). It's fun. Woooo! That is all. <3

Not to be all Catholic or anything....

Okay, let me make clear that this is NOT an attempt to convert anyone or anything along those lines. I'm just pointing out how POETIC certain prayers are! Especially ones devoted to Mother Mary! SERIOUSLY. It's so....graceful, and delicate, and elegant, and just plain gorgeous! Okay...here's like, my favorite prayer of all freaking time:

Hail, holy Queen, Mother of Mercy!
Our life, our sweetness, and our hope!
To thee do we cry, poor banished
children of Eve, to thee do we send
up our sighs, mourning and weeping
in this valley, of tears.
Turn, then, most gracious advocate,
thine eyes of mercy toward us; and
after this our exile show unto us the
blessed fruit of thy womb Jesus;
O clement, O loving, O sweet virgin Mary.

Pray for us, O holy Mother of God

That we may be made worthy of the
promises of Christ.

SERIOUSLY. WHAT THE HECK. Why is it so pretty?! SO yeah...lol....I like being Catholic a whole helluva lot sometimes.

Yummm

Chocolate chip cookies are my faaaaaaaaaaave.

Disorders

I just thought this seemed interesting. I'm not sure how accurate it is, or how approved it is by professionals. Hm...either way, it seemed pretty accurate. And it was fun, lol.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Moderate
Schizoid Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Disorder:	Low
Borderline Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Disorder:	Moderate
Narcissistic Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Disorder:	High
Dependent Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

Rehearsal

Oh my Gosh, it is so much fun! Well, it has potential to be fun if I weren't such an anal little Indian lol. I'm having fun, save for the fact that I want EVERY SINGLE THING I do to be perfect; often times, that takes away from what I can do....but as a whole, rehearsal is still a joy.

The only thing is when I'm ultra-tired and then realize, "Oh...I'm here till 5!" Oh well! At least it's at the Hobbit! YAY!

Sorry. Random post lol.

>_> <_< >_>

RANDOM POST IS RANDOM.

I...

...AM NOT A GOD DAMN MEXICAN.


OH, and it's Ron Blilus Weasley's birthday! He turns 28 today!

Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday dear Roooon!
Happy Birthday to you!!!!!

HARRY POTTER ROCKS. And so does Ron. lol

Fuck you!

GOD! I'm sick of ignorant people! I'm sick of people telling me that my country (India, in this case lmfao) is a pointless ruin of a country that no one cares about and gives nothing to the world!

Excuse me! WHO THE FUCK FIXED YOUR COMPUTER!

No, but seriously! Have you even SEEN the Taj Mahal?? Do you know what that is, you cracker? No? HERE. Can you get THAT in your precious Oregon!? Do you know how much effort and PASSION went into that?! That's a monument of love.

We are NOT savages! YES. THERE IS A SEWAGE SYSTEM. AND IT IS NOT JUST A DITCH IN THE GROUND. I've been to multiple parts, and trust me. We do have your precious Western toilets and showers. We do have cars and streets and ON TOP OF THAT, we have monkeys, and tigers, and peacocks and ELEPHANTS. WILD. Drive for a few hours and you can see them! Drive for a few hours here and you know what you get here? COWS.

Okay okay, I'm being stupid. Oregon, and other parts of America are beautiful. Honestly, though! Open your eyes and appreciate what my country has to give.

Architecture isn't it though! Oh no! MUSIC.

Have you ever listened to classical Indian music? It's some of the beautiful stuff I've ever heard. Yes, I realize that's completely subjective; but listen to this wonderul chant. Has anything like that ever been written in America?! Oh wait. That's unfair. Indian music is so complicated you can't write it down. It's literally impossible.
Not into classical stuff? Have you ever heard of BOLLYWOOD?! Yes, it exists! The magical land that produces wonderful stuff like this or this every year! Thousands of songs like that! Amazing. Yes, the dancing is silly, but if you knew what they were singing about, you'd understand. Ha.

Oh, no no no...I am not done yet. Finally. FOOD. Fish, beef, chicken, pork --insert protein-- curry! But that's not all! There's biryani, sambaar, rasaam, dosa, trust me I could go on forever. Seriously! Just look at it. How on earth is your mouth not watering, dude?!

Come ON! Pointless, useless, scar of the world? I think not. India is amazing. Fuck you. I'm going to go eat some curry.

Yes, this was directed at one person. But it shall be applied to every other idiot who tells me India is stupid. Ciao!

Frustrated

Don't you hate it when there's something you really want, but you know you shouldn't have?

It's like that last piece of candy, or that second piece of pie. It's like that extra dollop of whip cream atop your pumpkin pie. Why am I thinking of sweet food...hm. I've really been having this dilemma. It's not really a choice between right and wrong, it's just between my two selfs. There's the young Christine, who doesn't know what the fuck she's doing. Then there's rational Christine, who knows how to do things, when it's appropriate and who is concerned.

What's MORE frustrating is when there's something you want and know you should have....you just never get around to having it. Blah! You know? When you plan something, and you tell yourself you'll let it happen and then it never does. Things come up or get in the way. Even at the very last minute. The VERY last. ERRGH.

Ah well. It's not big deal. ^_^

As you come.

We all need to learn to take life as it comes. Just breathe it in. Swallow the good, the bad. It's there. Might as well deal with it. Sigh....I don't know how to say this. Goodnight. Kind of. =)

Death

It sucks. ='(

The Rise and Fall of Christinez0rz

Don't worry, this isn't another emo post. Those posts pretty much suck. Anyways, I've decided that if I want to make any sort of progress with...anything...I need to figure out what my strengths and weaknesses are. I want to know more about myself. If you would like to point some things out to me, you can leave a comment telling me what you like/dislike about me. It would actually kind of be appreciated! (EW!! SHEREEN JUST LICKED ME! Anyways...) So here goes...

Strengths:

1. Empathy/sympathy/compassion
2. Good listener
3. Caring
4. Nurturing
5. Adaptable
6. Tolerant
7. Silly
8. Thoughtful
9. Altruistic
10. Loving

Weaknesses:

1. Hyper-emotional
2. Obsessive
3. Does not trust
4. Push-over
5. Passive-aggressive
6. Holds grudges
7. Procrastinates
8. Irrational
9. Cares too much/invests way too deep
10. Spiteful (sometimes)

That's all for now. I really suck at coming up with lists, as it turns out. In other news, the Moldy Peaches are satanist! Who woulda thought!

WARNING: narcissim ahead!

I'm warning you now -- the following post is stock full of narcissism and the works.

I'm an amazing person. I really think I'm awesome for the crap I've put up with, the crap I make myself go through, all the shit I take from my parents...yet, I still come to school all happy and bubbly -- my main concern being to make everyone happy. Who the hell is that awesome?

I sometimes wonder if there's anyone out there like me? I'm not saying I'm perfect. God, no. But...I love that I'm my own unique person. I love looking back and stuff that's happened and seeing how wonderfully I handled it. A normal person would have gone insane. From what my friends tell me, most people can't deal with the stuff I went through and come out the other end sane. I must be crazy. =P

I love how I treat people well (except on RARE occasion, and it's usually and accident), no matter who they are. I love being able to be nice to complete and total pricks. I love being able to look back at all the people who treat my shitty and think, "Wow -- I am so much better than them."

At the end of this post, I want to be able to say it outright: I love myself. But I can't. That's not meant to be a depressing comment. It's just true. I do think, however, that I am one hell of an amazing person.

Mystery Person

Anyone's who has met me knows that, in person, I'm usually happy, bubbly, etc. But as of late, I haven't felt connected to anyone. Social interaction has been painful. This really kills me, because I absolutely love my friends. I don't know how to react to anyone's presence.

I don't know how to act anymore. I just....bleh. Oh well. I'll just keep trucking (haha, I love saying that). Life is a bitch. Seriously. If life were a person, she'd be a bi-polar, slutty, drug-using, angsty, tease. I'd probably hate Life is she was ever a person.

She picks on me. And she'd probably punch me in the face if she had hands. Maybe it's not life. Maybe it's me. I don't appreciate the person I've become.

I don't know what to say. This is a scattered post. I apologize. I want a hug.

Trip

Dreams are and something walruses
Gleams and flickers of consciousness
Moons a-rising to tickle birdies goodbye
Watch me wander and point to the sky.

People are lowing
No, animals are slowing
Water is glowing
Still, candles are flowing
Now, lead us to reality.

Eden kisses internal shows
Flight is showing what really glows
Fleeing under crowded tunnels
Eat your greens with broken shovels.

That's it.


This poem came to me during English. I was sitting there listening to Jarmer read Huckleberry Finn, when I hear music coming from the neighboring room. There are lyrics to the song, and what I hear is, "Dreams are and something walruses." Now, I'm almost certain those were not the words, but they inspired this poem. Don't ask me what it's about, or what the point of it is, because I have no clue. I like it, though.

Chilling with my boy.

I really really like spending time with Ian. A LOT. We just...feed off of each other. I mean, I just grow more and more happy when he's around. He's like the opposite of a dementor!! I really love it. I guess you could call it chemistry.

Whether we're with my friends, his friends (yes, even his friends, ha. What? They're funny!!), or alone with each other, I can't help but be happy. And it's my mission to keep him happy while I'm around. Not that I expect him to automatically be happy with me, but if he's in a bad mood then all I want or care about is for him to be happy.

I just can't get enough of him. Of course, I don't wanna have Tim and Elaine kind of time with him. They're just insane (though I love them both dearly! <3)!! I just want to HANG OUT with him more often. Not just at school. Like, on weekends and stuff. I wanna spend time with my boyfriend! It's fun! I don't care where we are, what time it is or who we're with! It's fine! I mean, I suppose spending time with Voldemort in Mordor at 1 am wouldn't be pleasant. But... love being with him.

So, Ian, if you're reading this, call me up and we should hang out! Really! And in case you forgot my number:

Home - 509-786-8715
Cell - 971-344-6813

I love you! Call me!!!!!!!! <3

Relief

So, these past few months have obviously been turbulent for me and Ian. I almost, but didn't have the guts to, broke up with him. Despite what my posts have displayed, it was just as much my fault as it was his. I was constantly putting up this emotional front that anyone would have a hard time to deal with, especially Ian. It was a bit selfish of me to expect him to do exactly what I wanted him to; however, he wasn't smart on his part to completely ignore it. Perhaps it wasn't that I didn't have the guts to break up, but because I knew there was something there for me. I'm not stupid, I know where to stop. If this was such a destructive relationship, I would have shut it down.

But something inside me was holding me back from breaking it off. It wasn't that I loved him, because love does destroy sometimes. It's obvious that I loved and still love him. I woke up on Christmas morning, and remembered WHY I loved him. I had forgotten. I was blinded by the grudge I was holding. I had forgotten not only why I loved him, but simply why I was FRIENDS with him.

Why was I attracted to him, as a person, in the first place? He's caring, funny, spazzy, genuine, intelligent, and gorgeous, among countless other things. When I realized that, I wanted to jump up and down and scream. I was so fucking happy; how could I have forgotten what an amazing person he was?

It was time for me to forget the past, and look to the future. This grudge I had been holding stopped me from seeing his inner beauty, and caused me to continuously bring up the pain caused from our mistakes. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, and I can't be more thankful for having the strength to release that grudge. Sorry, the love I have for him can not be relinquished that easily.


I love Ian Angier McTeague, and I'm happy about it. <3

Wonder and realization

Wonder:
I've come to realize that I automatically expect that you don't care about me; that I'm the last of your priorities, that you'd much rather do something else, or chill with someone else. What brings this up, you ask?

Well, you know on Friday, how I called out to you, you "ignored" me (had headphones in, and didn't hear), and I thought you didn't care and didn't want to see me? Afterwards you were talking about how it made you sad that I automatically think you're just being an ass hole, or I'm not important, or whatever...and I started wondering. Why? Why do I feel that I'm not important to you? Why do I think that you'll have the most sociopathic (is that even a word...?) response? What could have happened that set things this way? When did this all come about? It wasn't always this way. I used to expect you to care for me, I'm your friggin' girlfriend!

Also, a half of me KNOWS you care. The logical side. Christine, think about how he responds when he sees you. It's not negative...he loves you, silly! And I KNOW that is the right answer, yet I fail to jump to that conclusion.

Realization:
See previous post.
Also, I have pretty low self-esteem (har har, what a surprise), and I put myself last. Why should anyone else do differently, eh?
I'm pretty sure when you combine those two, you get the answer.

Another project for me to work on!!! ^_^ Ian loves you!
(and by "you" I mean me. =P)