Warning: emoness ahead

Is it really such a bad thing that I care about you? Hm, maybe it is...but you've really got me stumped. I pour every drop of happiness I can muster into you, and you don't seem to care. I stop, and you act like I've done something wrong. WHAT is it that you want me to do? I care about you, and if it bothers you that I show any sort of concern when you alarm me, then too bad. Here - I'm gonna let you in on a little secret - FRIENDS CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER. WHEN ONE IS IN NEED, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FUCKING CARE. Now, if I fufill that requirement, I apologize a thousand times, because you don't seem to give a fuck about anything I feel or think anymore.

I'm here, if you just want someone to listen, but you don't want to talk. You don't seem to want to ever do anything that doesn't make you look look like the epitomy of perfection. I'm sorry if I'm not incessantly kissing your feet, but that's not my job. I'm only human, and if I'm not as cool as you, live with it. I have flaws yes, but at least I try and work on them. Maybe you're just blind. Maybe you don't care. I do care about you, but you don't seem to see that...you blind, thoughtless prick.

I love you all.


P.S. This can be to whoever you want it to be to...mais, je pense que vous sait qui vous êtes.

Ignorance

Ignorance is tolerable, but to the extreme, it just drives me up wall. Of course, I'm being a total and complete hypocrite, because I'm one of the most ignorant people you shall ever meet.

Back on topic...this particular entry has to do with people's knowledge of India. I keep getting asked stupid questions about India that any dimwit should know.

"Do they have electricity in India?"
"Where do you sleep...do they have houses?"
"So does your family have to live in little huts? Why don't you just buy a bigger hut for them?"
"Do they use money...or do they just trade stuff like we used to?"

Honestly! What the hell! YES, we have electricity, no, not ALL of India is a wasteland filled with savage huts, and YES, YES, YES WE HAVE MONEY. IT'S CALLED RUPEES, DAMN IT.

And these are coming from people I would expect to know, ranging from college students to 50 year old women! That's like asking a Jew how they're doing, recovering form the Holocaust (hopefully, they're not a holocaust survivor...), or something!

Oh well. I guess people are just ignorant, blumbering fools. Hmf.

BTW - today is Harry Potter's 27th birthday! Happee Birthday Harry!

HJP...oh and thinking can be painful.

First of all OMG OMG HARRY POTTER. IT'S GONE. I'M GOING TO DIE. BUT IT WAS AMAZING. I LOVED IT!!! PERFECT ENDING. SO GENIUS!

Second, thinking has been way too much work for me lately. Actually it's just this one thing. Okay, so people date, go out, whatever you wanna call it, right? Well, you're either going to break up with that person, or marry them. Or just keep going out with them forever?????

1. You break up

What's the point of going out with someone if you're just going to end up breaking up and heartbroken? I mean, if you know you're not going to end up with that person, then what's the point of going out with them at all??


2. You get married

Who the hell thinks, after a few months, "Hmm...I think I'm going to end up marrying this person..." Especially in high school!!! That is extremely unlikely.


3. You go out forever.

Three letters. Ready? W. T. F.

See...I'm tired, and confused. Relationships need to die. And everyone needs to become bunnies and like Harry Potter and then turn into blades of grass. Please disregard the previous sentence. ^^

EDIT: I think my point was, what are you supposed to expect out of a relationship...I mean in the future?

Penises

Holy shit, they're not even pretty!! Honestly! The female body is so much more beautiful! I mean...less hair, curves, boobs...we've got it all!! Men, however...the most they've got is muscley arms and abs. Penises, what about penises you say?? No! They're not pretty! Not even the almighty Daniel Radciffe's! I mean...it just looks like a lumpy sausage. Not even appetizing!! Cleavage, however, is much more mesmerizing. I'm sure us vaginas got the better end of the deal...

Now, that's enough nudity!!!! Ummm...to redeem myeslf...take a look at this!

That's all for now....HARRY POTTER COMES OUT ON SATURDAY WOOOT!

**HEAT**

Oh. My. Effing. Gosh. I can't handle this heat! No longer can I wake up, see the sun and say, "Aaaah, what a beautiful day! I love the summer time." No. Gone are the days where little children play on the sidewalk. Yes....yes, NOW little children FRY on the sidewalk! As I walk downstairs, beautiful and fleeting images of the vivid colors of fall, the cool breeze as a dying leaf dances at your feet, a dead tree looming over a fence flash through my mind...oh, how I long for the autumn. The winter...the cold. They have come to hold a dear place in my heart. Not to mention the rain...

O Rain, how I love you. There is no better feeling that encompasses me, than the one that soars through my veins when you caress my face (okay, perhaps Ian can top that...). How I long for you! I miss hearing your arrival as you patter on the roof. How lonely the leaves must feel without your sacred drops prancing and sliding on their bellies, infant waterfalls dumping forth pools of joy. Rain, rain, please don't go away...

I don't know why...

...but I sort of feel like posting this poem a family-friend wrote. I never viewed him as much of a poet, but whatevz. Anyways, obviously, he's been in Iraq and has seen some major crap...so yeah!

Take a man and put him alone, Put him twelve thousand miles from home. Empty his heart of all but blood, Make him live in sand, in mud. This is the life I have to live, This the soul to God I give.
You have your parties and drink your beer, While young men are dying over here. Plant your signs on the White House lawn; "Lets get out of Iraq". Use your signs and have your fun, Then refuse to use a gun. There's nothing else for you to do, Then I'm supposed to die for you? There is one thing that you should know; And that's where I think you should go! I'm already here and it's too late.
I've traded all my love for all this hate. I'll hate you till the day I die. You made me hear my buddy cry. I saw his leg and his blood shed,
Then I heard them say, "This one's dead". It was a large price for him to pay, To let you live another day. He had the guts to fight and die, To keep the freedom you live by. By his dying, your life he buys,
But who gives a fuck if a Soldier dies!

California [[is nice to the homeless...]]

Woot! I'm finally back from Cali! Wow...that wedding was amazing in so many ways...I think I'm going to seperate the wedding into four different parts. Enjoy!

1. Fancy Shmancy
Holy crap, dude. Holy. Crap. This wedding is by far the most beautiful wedding I've ever been to...and coming from an Indian family, I've been to a lot. It took place in this precious vineyard in Central California. It was like I had walked into a little tuscan village or something! The sun seemed to kiss everything and make everything beautiful. Everyone was dressed up to the max, and just having the whole family in one place was amazing. The food was good, and...wow. The outside of the reception was amazing. There was a cobblestone path, bordered by a deciduous forest and a bunch of ivy on the other side. Between there was a dirt patio thingy and it was just oh so glorious!! God...I can't even describe it. The flowers were blooming, the trees provided the perfect amount of shade...and...*sigh*....

2. Wasted
Wow. I've never seen my cousins drunk. Ever. I mean, I've heard about it. So, my cousin married a finnish girl, so her whole finnish family was there. You'd think that they'd be the drunk ones, right? NO! The indians! They were dancing like retards, and...oh god, it was so embarrasing, yet incredibly funny. Like, this guy was giving a toast and he was like, "And I know this is going to be a happy marriage, since they are one in Christ..." and my cousin is like, "Right, because Jews nor anyone ELSE in the world could ever be happy!!!" And there was this one who ran around the whole night and introduced us all to the finnish people...every indian girl was named, "Maxine," that night. She couldn't remember our names, lmao. One of my aunts passed out...God, it was hilarious. Because the most drunk ones were the ones who were usually uptight and all. Haha

3. Finnish Boy
-_- So, this drunk finnish father dragged his son over to me, my cousin and Maxine and said, "Would any of you fine ladies like to dance with this young boy!?" We all just sort of looked at him blankly...until my cousin pushed me into the boy!! Argh! The stupidest thing was he couldn't dance, and didn't live up to the 'hot finnish boy' stereotype! I didn't want to say, "Hell no" because that would just seem rude. But...argh. The whole time I was wishing Ian were there and not the stupid bozo behind me. Eventually I got away from him...phew!

4. Bouquet!
Guess what. I caught the bouquet!! "Caught." I actually just picked it up off the ground. She threw it back and it landed next to my cousin's feet, and she just backed away. So I just sort of picked it up half-heartedly and my drunk relative was like, 'YAY MAXINE!' Lol...hope you're ready to get married, Ian! lol jk jk

Other than the wedding, we went to Great America. It's this big fat theme park and it was uber fun! Maxine, Sinu, Paul and Uncle Dalton went on ALL the crazy rides, while Shereen and I just stuck to the baby rides, lmao. But we all enjoyed the water park portion of it. All I can say it was fun. I think the only bad part about it all was the drive there and back. I missed you all, and I really miss the rain! <3

OMG OMG OMG HARRY POTTER COMES OUT SO SOON! I SAW A BUNCH OF ADS IN CALI!! WOOT!

Finally!

I feel like a bird that's been trapped in a cage. A cage of EDUCATION! WAAH!

Yes! It's finally SUMMER! God, I've been looking forward to this for MONTHS. God, it just feels so good! I have so much to look forward to:

-hanging out with friends
-work (I'm not look forward to it, but I <3 teh $$$$$$...
-INDIA! Woo, family FTW! Curry! Palm trees! YAY!
GOSH, I can't wait!!! So excited!
-California! (now whenever I hear that word, I think of Ian and Aubrey singing, "California..."...and and YAY FOR WEDDINGS!)
-haircut (not short, though! definitely pretty, however!)
-eating brownies, playing Harry Potter, and skipping anything that resembles a real meal with certain cousins haha
-Having giant orgys with random people at school and strangers...perhaps with the same certain cousins (don't ask)

Yeah, I could go on and on and on and ONNN....but I won't. BUT FIRST, look at this pretty picture:::::




Isn't he the best?! I love Daniel Radcliffe and Harry Potter and - wait!!

20 DAYS UNTIL HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHEONIX AND 30 DAYS UNTIL HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS!!!!!! (haha, it's me again!)

Stupidity

Today, after orchestra, I didn't think I'd see Ian. I did, however, and it made me extremely excited and happy! I was about ready to run up and talk to him...until Samm came and talked to him. Whatever she said, it made him really really happy, so at least that's good. It was just one of that moments that made me stop in my tracks. But it was really all I could think about during physics.
='(

Yes, I know I'm pathetic and stupid.

Sex

I've really wanted it lately. Bad. This has never happened before. I've usually been a really chaste person. I wouldn't even talk about sex. But the other day...wow.

So...the other day I had a real bad incident. I'm so dissapointed in myself. No, I didn't have sex. Well...I had cybersex. If Ian had never read smut before, he sure did in his texts. Wow, I'm not going to post it, because it'd be quite explicit. A few hours before we were dirty texting (rather, I was dirty texting), I kept "accidentally" dropping the cell phone in my lap, simply because it felt good. He told me I need to learn to masturbate. Ha. So much for Catholicism. I will not masturbate, no siree.

And I thought that it was just a one-day thing. I thought I was just lustful that one night, it'd go away. No big deal. But no! The next day, all I could think about was how much I wanted him. I wanted to share my love in ALL ways possible...and I just feel so guilty. And...today. I almost asked him for sex, because I knew he'd say yes. I now realize why lust is a deadly sin. It's really ruined my innocence.

I really need more self-control. =(

Strings FTW!

I realize this is silly and immature, but I just couldn't help it...

Top 20 Reasons to Date a Strings Player:
20) We can go for hours at a time.
19) The bigger the instrument, the deeper it goes.
18) We always follow the stick.
17) For better sound, we point our f-holes towards the audience.
16) We can shift from position to position with ease.
15) We're good at making up our own fingerings.
14) We're careful with our instruments and we clean them after every use.
13) We can do it fast or slow.
12) When we play, we can be loud or soft.
11) We love to vibrato whenever we have a chance.
10) We like to play in groups of four or more.
9) We can do it sitting or standing.
8) The first violin players always have to lead.
7) But the seconds are always willing to follow.
6) If we make a mistake, we do it over again for perfection.
5) We are always ready to play in any position.
4) We pay close attention to fingerings and accidentals.
3) We can improvise in any situation.
2) We always have at least one G string.
1) Unlike those band nerds, we're good at more than just blowing.

Realization

I need to figure out that people don't bite your head off if you talk to them. Seriously, I went to the elowel meetup yesterday, and the ENTIRE TIME, I either hid behind Ian or just isolated myself with him and Maxine...and Pocahontas for a while, too.
I don't even know why I'm like this. I'll see someone, and automatically avoid contact. Seriously, the only way I meet people, is through other people. I think there's only been two people (some random Mexican girl and Nick Woods...and she came up to me!) in my life who I've known first. Okay, I'm going through a list of friends:

-Elaine: Maxine
-Olivia: Elaine
-Layla: Olivia and Elaine
-Nick B.: Spencer
-Spencer: Nick Woods
-Ian: Nick Bayhi
-Lacey: Elaine
-Lisette: Elaine

Okay, I know everyone through Elaine...or something like that. Anyway, I need to open up or something. But it's really, really, really difficult.

...

I miss Ian. And I feel like a minimalist right now...so yeah. ='(

J'adore Ian.

C'est vrai.

Disagree without being disagreeable...

...I find this to be one of the most amazing concepts. If I could even begin to describe how great things would be if the people of this world could just learn to do this, I would, but I can't. At least I can't still try.
One of the most self-defeating things people can do - yes, I am at fault here as well - is being too sensitive. Too many times have I seen someone say something contradictory to a fellow being, because they thought that the comment was directed at them. The fact of the matter is, and I know this sounds mean, you're not that important. When someone says something like, "I'm so glad I don't have to go to Church anymore!" they are NOT saying, "Church is stupid, no one should go to it. You're an idiot. Stop going to Church." It's just their opinion. Opinions, frankly, don't mean a thing. They're purely how someone thinks.
The problem comes when they try to enforce that opinion on you. This is when you become disagreeable. To be able to voice your opinion, speak your mind, and show people what you believe in is great. But when you let that affect how you treat people, that's where the turmoil begins. If you go up to someone and say, "Get away from me. You're gay...just go over there or something," OR "You shouldn't stop praying to your false God, he doesn't give a shit about you," that's just wrong.

Imagine a world where people were able to express themselves without shooting eachother down, or being shot down. Imagine a place where you could hear someone disagree with you, sing your own little tune, and go on without getting into a self-defeating argument. Those arguments singularilty lead to hurt feelings, or those of resentment. Now, I'm NOT, by any means, saying to stop debating. I'm simply saying that people should be more considerate.

God, I'm such an idealist...

O Happy Dagger!

Sometimes, I feel like a dramaqueen. I hate that, because I despise dramaqueens. I feel like I only want the attention on myself. I feel like that if no one is listening to me, no one cares. And to listen, I have to talk. I don't know whether I'm imagining things or if I'm really like this. And what's weird, is that I hate talking about myself or things going on in my life. I love listening to other people talk about their secret crushes, or devastating problems and making people happy. But if I'm constantly saying, "I love Juanito! Yay!" or "Oh my gosh! I hate --fill in the blank--! It's so annoying! ARGH!" when can I ever listen?
I feel like I exaggerate things to the point where I can see a crown atop my head, with flashing read lights reading "DRAMA!"
Hm, maybe I'm imagining things. Maybe I'm being one RIGHT NOW. Maybe I'm just stupid. Either way, tell me the way it really is.

Am I dreaming?!

Okay...I'm scared that I'm getting my hopes too high. Steve (who can be slightly annoying, but mostly happy ^_^) said he forced Ian to talk about why he wouldn't ask me out. And you know what he said? He said that he was:

a. Scared (of course)
b. Didn't want to ask me out in a conformist fashion!

Silly Juan...

If you knew anything about this, tell me!

Love is a song that never ends...

I'm taking Elaine's lead, and fessin' up who the apple of my eye is. And he has been since the end of September. Well, here are some clues;

-He's spazzy
-He's taller than me
-He's...french-canadian
-His least favourite color is yellow
-He has a cat named after a composer
-He's ditched many relgions
-He's a dorkwad
-I love him to death

I think that last one is the most honest. I love him. Not like "in love", but he's just one of my best friends. I feel like I can talk to him about anything, and just be my totally completely self. But he's so wonderful. He...I can't even explain it.

When I see him, I have a rush of serotonin. He's like the safe drug. I feel at peace when I'm with him. I just love him so much. I want to be able to show him how much I care. I want to be able to look him in the eyes, and say, "I love you."

Sadly, he doesn't like me. He said I'm one of his best friends, but that's it. I'm happy with that. Of course I'd MUCH RATHER (much much much rather) go out with him, but just being able to spend time with him is awesome. I can't describe it. And it doesn't stop. Not only does it grow, it matures. So they get deeper as they become stronger. It's wonderful to love someone that much. I'd do anything for him. Anything.

P.S. I'm also taking Aubrey's lead...bonus points if you can catch the title's reference

P.P.S HARRY POTTER AND THE DEALTHLY HALLOWS COMES OUT JULY 21ST 2007.

Other people vs. Me

Okay, for a long time, I've been having a dispute with a friend about my qualities. I've been saying the honest truth - I'm worthless. He's been trying to convince me that I'm pretty and smart - which are flat out lies. My eyes are boring and disgusting, my hair is messed up, I'm fat, so there are no physical features about me that I appreciate. And smart? Ha! He is a billion times smarter and I have no idea what he's trying to pull, "You're smart."
So, I've decided to name fifteen people I know, and things that they have that are awesome (physical or not). Why? It proves that I'm horrible compared to them:

Elaine: compassionate
Ian: in-depth knowledge on...everything
Olivia: adorable
Aubrey: knows a lot about music
Sarah: good at different types of things (writing, game programming, photography)
Kathryn: super artistic
Spencer: beautiful writer...and has pretty eyes
Michelle: caring
Rachel: wonderful string player
Maxine: makes everything perfect
Shereen: able to see both sides of everything
Lacey K: really good at physics
Nick B: outgoing
Lisette: beautiful eye color!!
Parents: hard-working

I told you so. And for every good quality in them, I bet you could find three bad qualities in me. I bet my life. You can disagree, but I hold my place.

I love you

...more than ice cream pie and rainy skies.