I find this post ironic...

Considering my last post.

I do not feel good. I feel sick. I feel sad. I don't wanna do anything. I have no motivation. Nothing seems worth living for. I want to isolate myself. I want to be mean and hurt myself. I don't like me, I don't like you. I don't like anything. I feel worthless. I don't feel good enough for you. I am not important to anyone, and if I am then they're lousy at showing it. Everything that could possibly make me happy will make me sad, because nothing lasts. I'm less important then everyone. I'm at the bottom. You don't care about me. No one is there. I'm by myself. If I don't stop this right now I'll stop being there. I don't know what that last statement meant, but it's true. I need a rope to stop myself from screwing up. I wish I had died at age 15. It's gone. Smoke is here.

Happy!

I'm happy with Ian right now. Yay. He's talking about how kids are tried as adults, but aren't given adult privileges. Wa wa. He's cute. Yay! And now he said, "A cookie!...hmm, I don't like being dictated! Haha I said dick! Hey Christine, I don't like being dictated do you like being vaginatated??" Hehehe.

I love you! LOOK AT THE SCREEN!!!!! There.

Porn

I hate porn. I can't look at it anymore. It makes me totally sick.
Firstly, I can't get off to it anymore. Okay, naked people having sex, big whoop. It's kind of stupid and boring and I honestly don't understand how I ever found it hot. Secondly, why would I look at it, if my imagination can run wild with Ian? Looking at porn is essentially like saying that my mind's endless options are not enough. Thirdly, it objectifies people. It turns real human beings and turns them into tools to help along an orgasm. If I don't objectify them (which I always do), then I'm recognizing that they're a real person, which is pretty much cheating in my book.

It's the same with fantasizing with people other than Ian. Why on earth would I fantasize about *insert mega hot person* if I have Ian? It just doesn't make sense anymore. I don't think it ever did. I was just stupider. Actually, no. I have never fantasized about other people, and that is NOT a lie.
Don't get me wrong. I don't think porn is bad. I don't think masturbation is bad. I just don't like looking at it while I'm in a relationship. It feels like I'm saying, "Yeah, Ian. You're totally sexy. But...thinking of you is not enough, so I'm going to go look at Candi* online..." I'm not sure if I make sense. Whatever.


*Random porn name

The year is closing...

Holy shit. It's like the end of the roller coaster you decided to go on, even though it looked way too scary, but you did it anyway...? But after you're done, it feels like you've conquered something?

Yeah.

That's how I feel. Fuck you, junior year. I beat you. Hmf!!!


Summer, here I come. =)


/relief

Satan's Dulia

You.
Feel the ocean on my lips,
Disturb the trouble in my grips.
Under the big wet sky...

We.
Never felt the world move on,
Kissed away the incubus.
In the corner of my eye...

There.
See the hole we never dug,
The dust we bothered not to rub.
Until the water was dry..

Fucking Retarded....

So today, during stagecraft, Jesse and Kylee were making fun of Lisette and I for trying to put away a 12 foot ladder on our own. No big deal, I'm used being treated like I'm incompetent in that class. Hearing, "Ooh, they look so stupid! Ha you guys are retards! It's like watching monkeys!" wasn't too bad.

Only when Jesse said, "Especially Christine! Looks so much like a monkey with that dark skin and curly hair! Ha, calling her a monkey is pretty accurate!"

I don't mind if you make fun of things I do that I can help (intelligence, clothes, etc)...but my color?! That's low. I CAN'T HELP MY SKIN COLOR SHUT THE FUCK UP. Bitch.

May 10th.

I WAS BORN TODAY SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO! Happy Birthday to me! ^_^

Ha, I'm so self-absorbed. Ah well. Only once a year. <3

God damn it

Hormones suck. Especially when you know why they're there, but can't do anything to help it. Haha...anyways, the US AP exam is on friday, and I'm sure I'm going to flunk it. Fuck.

Man, I can't wait for my birthday/prom...on the same day, yo!

Passover, bitches!

Okay, this is less about Passover and more about how amazing Ian's family is...or how Saturday went...or something along those lines. Hm.

So, I arrived, and froze up, because EVERYONE was staring at me! AAH! Anyway, I kept my cool, and was introduced to good ol' grand pappy and grand mommy (dad's side). They are pretty much the cutest old people EVER ALMOST. They're really nice, and put forward things worth hearing...if that makes much sense. I dunno. I like them.

AND OH MY GOD IAN'S DAD IS SO CUTE! EEEEE!!!!! He's just this bumbling, mellow, super chill dude who's easy to get along with. And when he reads stuff, he reminds me of those people on OBP or whatever that teach you math or proper English or whatever.

Ian's mom is awesome. Ian was right. They DID skip over the important part to get to the food. WHICH WAS AMAZING. Oh my GOD, that apple stuff was so yummy! And that beef stuff and those potatoes! Ian's other grandma is an amazing cook! Yay!

I don't know why I'm writing this. I just feel like life is chilling out, for once. Problems are just seeming to disappear. I don't want to rely on this notion, but I'm not going to pass up enjoying life. I guess the evening just reminded me how happy I've become recently.

School is going to be DONE is two months (OMG YAY OMG YAY OH MY GOD YAY!), Ian and I are doing really well, Julia was cool, and...I don't know. Everything just seems great. I'm enjoying it while it's here. Granted I won't get enough sleep sooner or later, and when stress comes my way I'm going to fall into a pit of "AAAAH!" but of course I'll get out of that. As usual.

Sorry. This is super scattered and random. I love you, everyone! ^_^

Off Limits

There is a moment at night,
when my curiosities
Take me to forbidden land.

There is a blink of daytime,
When all I want
Is all I can't have.

There is a room of answers,
In which all I wonder,
Is behind a locked door.

For some reason, I like this poem. Odd. I usually despise my poetry.

DANG IT.

Ian's pissed at me. I should have known that things are different in theory than in practice. He said he wouldn't care...but I guess he did. And now I don't feel very good. =(

Spin the Bottle

I think this game is just an excuse to kiss hotties (for the most part). It's fun. Woooo! That is all. <3

Not to be all Catholic or anything....

Okay, let me make clear that this is NOT an attempt to convert anyone or anything along those lines. I'm just pointing out how POETIC certain prayers are! Especially ones devoted to Mother Mary! SERIOUSLY. It's so....graceful, and delicate, and elegant, and just plain gorgeous! Okay...here's like, my favorite prayer of all freaking time:

Hail, holy Queen, Mother of Mercy!
Our life, our sweetness, and our hope!
To thee do we cry, poor banished
children of Eve, to thee do we send
up our sighs, mourning and weeping
in this valley, of tears.
Turn, then, most gracious advocate,
thine eyes of mercy toward us; and
after this our exile show unto us the
blessed fruit of thy womb Jesus;
O clement, O loving, O sweet virgin Mary.

Pray for us, O holy Mother of God

That we may be made worthy of the
promises of Christ.

SERIOUSLY. WHAT THE HECK. Why is it so pretty?! SO yeah...lol....I like being Catholic a whole helluva lot sometimes.

Yummm

Chocolate chip cookies are my faaaaaaaaaaave.

Disorders

I just thought this seemed interesting. I'm not sure how accurate it is, or how approved it is by professionals. Hm...either way, it seemed pretty accurate. And it was fun, lol.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Moderate
Schizoid Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Disorder:	Low
Borderline Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Disorder:	Moderate
Narcissistic Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Disorder:	High
Dependent Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

Rehearsal

Oh my Gosh, it is so much fun! Well, it has potential to be fun if I weren't such an anal little Indian lol. I'm having fun, save for the fact that I want EVERY SINGLE THING I do to be perfect; often times, that takes away from what I can do....but as a whole, rehearsal is still a joy.

The only thing is when I'm ultra-tired and then realize, "Oh...I'm here till 5!" Oh well! At least it's at the Hobbit! YAY!

Sorry. Random post lol.

>_> <_< >_>

RANDOM POST IS RANDOM.

I...

...AM NOT A GOD DAMN MEXICAN.


OH, and it's Ron Blilus Weasley's birthday! He turns 28 today!

Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday dear Roooon!
Happy Birthday to you!!!!!

HARRY POTTER ROCKS. And so does Ron. lol

Fuck you!

GOD! I'm sick of ignorant people! I'm sick of people telling me that my country (India, in this case lmfao) is a pointless ruin of a country that no one cares about and gives nothing to the world!

Excuse me! WHO THE FUCK FIXED YOUR COMPUTER!

No, but seriously! Have you even SEEN the Taj Mahal?? Do you know what that is, you cracker? No? HERE. Can you get THAT in your precious Oregon!? Do you know how much effort and PASSION went into that?! That's a monument of love.

We are NOT savages! YES. THERE IS A SEWAGE SYSTEM. AND IT IS NOT JUST A DITCH IN THE GROUND. I've been to multiple parts, and trust me. We do have your precious Western toilets and showers. We do have cars and streets and ON TOP OF THAT, we have monkeys, and tigers, and peacocks and ELEPHANTS. WILD. Drive for a few hours and you can see them! Drive for a few hours here and you know what you get here? COWS.

Okay okay, I'm being stupid. Oregon, and other parts of America are beautiful. Honestly, though! Open your eyes and appreciate what my country has to give.

Architecture isn't it though! Oh no! MUSIC.

Have you ever listened to classical Indian music? It's some of the beautiful stuff I've ever heard. Yes, I realize that's completely subjective; but listen to this wonderul chant. Has anything like that ever been written in America?! Oh wait. That's unfair. Indian music is so complicated you can't write it down. It's literally impossible.
Not into classical stuff? Have you ever heard of BOLLYWOOD?! Yes, it exists! The magical land that produces wonderful stuff like this or this every year! Thousands of songs like that! Amazing. Yes, the dancing is silly, but if you knew what they were singing about, you'd understand. Ha.

Oh, no no no...I am not done yet. Finally. FOOD. Fish, beef, chicken, pork --insert protein-- curry! But that's not all! There's biryani, sambaar, rasaam, dosa, trust me I could go on forever. Seriously! Just look at it. How on earth is your mouth not watering, dude?!

Come ON! Pointless, useless, scar of the world? I think not. India is amazing. Fuck you. I'm going to go eat some curry.

Yes, this was directed at one person. But it shall be applied to every other idiot who tells me India is stupid. Ciao!

Frustrated

Don't you hate it when there's something you really want, but you know you shouldn't have?

It's like that last piece of candy, or that second piece of pie. It's like that extra dollop of whip cream atop your pumpkin pie. Why am I thinking of sweet food...hm. I've really been having this dilemma. It's not really a choice between right and wrong, it's just between my two selfs. There's the young Christine, who doesn't know what the fuck she's doing. Then there's rational Christine, who knows how to do things, when it's appropriate and who is concerned.

What's MORE frustrating is when there's something you want and know you should have....you just never get around to having it. Blah! You know? When you plan something, and you tell yourself you'll let it happen and then it never does. Things come up or get in the way. Even at the very last minute. The VERY last. ERRGH.

Ah well. It's not big deal. ^_^

As you come.

We all need to learn to take life as it comes. Just breathe it in. Swallow the good, the bad. It's there. Might as well deal with it. Sigh....I don't know how to say this. Goodnight. Kind of. =)