Blast from da PAST.

Here is what my diary looked like ages 7-10, spelling, grammar and all. Anything in italics is 17-year-old Christine commentating.

Dear Direy

Maxine is funny. (The following is crossed out:) Yup, she is, but sometimes she gets tooo mad. She wrote about getting mad in ZOO.

3-3-98
Dear Direy

Shereen is cool, (crossed out, said "a not") and funny. + shes mean.

Shereen, is a tinager! (crossed out said, "wa." I imagine that I realized I had started to spell "whatever" incorrectly.) Whatever. She is very coooCOOl!

Maxine is (crossed out: dum) cool, and (crossed out, the beginnings of "dum" again!) nice.

Shereen *heart picture* Loves Dad! Maxine is cool!

This is when I was older:

Well I'm at the Airport waiting to go to India for a whole year. I hope I have a good time. I am going to miss everyone. Aunty Neng said I have a suprise for me in the Red roller. Well we are going to NY. Well it's 7:27 and I got to go. Aunty Neg just left. BEW!!
Bye.

December 28, 2001 - India, Mumbai

Right now I'm at the airport waiting for our flight. I am in Mumbai, India. We just went to this grreat Restraunt +[Buffut (misspellings of "special") specail]. (Wa wa wa, looks like I can't spell ANYWAY.) We had spaggetii for the first time; in a long time. We have been in India for 4 moths is crossed out months!, because we were going to live here but we is crossed out we sisters couldn't take it any longer!! + (we cannot find a good school). I am having spelling ("probla" is crossed out) problems because we paticually me [because I have not been (crossed out is "going to school") studying my book when people tell me to]!

(A few pages later is hand writing I had when I was young. Looks like I just picked a random spot to write. . .)

Dear Diary (Hey! I spelled it correctly!)

I am sorry mom.

:)

I love the sun. I love feeling WARM for the first time in forever, looking outside and seeing all the colors of the world. I can listen to some good ol' Tupac, Kanye or Nas and just chill the fuck out.
YEAH BOY!

I don't know how I feel right now.

I've just realized that I enjoy certain people. A bit too much. And not in the creepy way. I just love their company. They're friendly, nice, funny, dorky (which is a good thing!) and most of all - real. I don't know why I haven't tried harder, but I'm just realizing how much certain friends mean to me.

I've been so used to going through the superficial babble of my other friends, I forgot what it was like to have a real conversation. Not idiotic fluff about what "tragic" thing someone did to someone else, not who reacted how to some miscellaneous happening, but to just sit and enjoy yourself.

This isn't to say that problems are not there. Of course everyone has problems - big and small - here and there. The difference is the lack of immaturity that goes into dealing with them. Jesus, I feel so. . . good.

Of course, I'm much to shy to say this to anyone, so no one is going to find out how much I like them, and this one instance will be the end. End or not, however, it made me very happy. I think I'll just hold on to that glimpse of strange freedom for now. :)

I'm tired.

I tired of you.
I'm tired of your fake shit.
I'm tired of you using me.
I'm tired of being "back-up."
I'm tired of being ignored.
I'm tired of you not caring.
I'm tired of pretending.
I'm tired of regrets.
I'm tired of feeling sad.
I'm tired of being excluded.
I'm tired of you forgetting.
I'm tired of your judgments.
I'm tired of you crushing my spirits.
I'm tired of you being so disgustingly pathetic.
I'm tired of your superiority complex.
I'm tired of you being such a bitch.
I'm tired of everything that has to do with you.
So, please, leave me alone, and don't ask any questions.
I'm going to bed.

Boreddd. With a triple D.

Hahaha I'm so proud of myself, that was so clever. Well, to me it was. I'm bored, so instead of doing my homework, I'm gonna write a story.

Once upon a time there were three beautiful birds named Reen, Teen and Xeen. They all had beautiful aspects, but the most beautiful was OBVIOUSLY Teen. Reen and Xeen were pretty, but people often forgot about that because they didn't have beautiful hearts. Instead of operate at level 6 on Kohlberg's (i'm such an eloquent writer hahaha) morality scale, they took advantage of men and used them to obtain material goods. For example, Reen told Luap that she would marry him, but only if he proved his love with gold. Once she got the gold, she bird pooped on him, because she's a bird. I almost forgot about that part.

As I said before, they were all birds. Reen had lush black plumage that continued past her actual body, and round amber eyes. She had one of those birdy mohawk things, and for some reason, male birds think that's hot. Reen was medium in size, but her wings were twice her length, which gave a very graceful look.

Xeen was a white bird, because she was the youngest, and her plumage relfected the almost-purity and almost-innocence of her young heart. She was only corrupted by Reen. Anyway, she was white and had sharp wings and a very petite body. She looked as if she was built to be quick and agile, but maintained a feminine round birdy looking face. Her eyes were blue. One of her flaws was that she pooped too much because she ate too much. This is SUCH an intelligent story, as you can tell. I am NOT, I repeat, AM NOT, making this up as I go.

Now Teen was the most beautiful. She had a deep blue plumage and a very full body. Her wings were a vivacious green and were tipped with gold. Her beak was jet black and here eyes were as deep as a scarlet rose. Men... i mean MALE BIRDS... forgot about Reen and Xeen as soon as they saw her take flight.

One day, Reen and Xeen were sick of not having boyfriends, and decided to disguise themselves as Teen. One would think they did it so THEY could get men, which WAS part of the plan, but the REAL reason was so they could destroy Teen's reputation.
"We shall tweet make tweeeet her look like a tweet STUPID tweet bird tweet!"
"That's is a brilliant tweet plan, Reen! Tweeet!"

SO they made costumes. Now, there was a male bird who saw Xeen and Reen. His name was Steinersteinhead. He got excited and thought, "Wow, Teen must have duplicated herself! WOO!" So he flew over and chirped under their armpits, because that's what birds do. Instead of chirping back, Reen and Xeen gave him gross bugs to eat and smeared blood all over his blue and white plumage. He flew away, disgusted, and was mad at "Teen."

All the birds noticed "Teen's" odd behavior and they got together, and started to sing about it, while dancing and chirping in hindi (like this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7Axr1b0kT8 ORRR http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUgd9P_AnXQ)! Steinersteinhead still couldn't believe how rude Teen and been, and set up a plan to discover the truth.

He told the Teens to fly over, so Reen and Xeen did so, confused on why he was still talking to them. He said, "I chirp must have done chirp chirp something wrong, so I got you this pin. What you do is pin it your tail to the ground and try and fly, and then you'll become happier and prettier!" Reen and Xeen were stupid, and fell for it. Then did what he said, and instead of becoming happier and prettier, their costumes came off!! Steinersteinhead then said, "AHA! I CHIRP KNEW SOMETHING CHIRP WAS CHIRP CHIRP WRONG!!" Reen and Xeen were then banished from Bird World and flew to Cat world. That. . . didn't work out so well. Anyywaaayyyy....

Steinersteinhead and Teen got a bird wedding and the other birds voted them as ruler. From that day on, life was just chirpy for the birds.

Frustrated

God! Everyone keeps fucking misinterpreting what I'm saying, or telling me stuff without backing it up!!! It's driving me insane. I was complaining about not hanging out enough with people, so a friend tells me, "We would invite you, but you and Ian are always all over each other, so we don't..." NO NO NO. THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.

I am not just Christine, who is going out with Ian. We are not the same person. Yes that's cute, but seriously! I MEANT ME. NOT HIM. ME! Why don't you invite me, not why don't you invite US!? I really don't care anymore, I just hated getting a bullshit answer that made little sense.

Also! Another friend told me I was in a "destructive relationship." You know, I was happy to listen why. If that's so, I might look into making changes OR break up with Ian. YES. Break up with him. We're so close at this point, that I'm confident we would be friends afterward. Absolutely confident. I might be acting ignorant, but at least that's one less thing to make be afraid of the future.

It made me angry, because he REFUSED to explain himself! WTF. WHY WOULD YOU MAKE SUCH A DRAMATIC STATEMENT AND NOT BACK IT UP. FUCK MY FEELINGS, IF IT'S GOOD IN THE LONG RUN, FUCKING TELL ME!!!

I don't understand how my relationship could be perceived as "destructive." We're both totally happy. In fact, the only reason I've doubted that, IS BECAUSE OF THIS STUPID FRIEND WHO IS FULL OF SHIT. Not really, he's actually really smart, but WHATEVER.

And you know what?! I could sit there and pick apart everyone else, like they apparently do with me, BUT I DON'T, because

1. I know it's rude
2. Why is it my place to judge?
3. I don't say crap if I don't know what I'm talking about

This person doesn't know the tiniest thing about my relationship! God... people are full of shit these days.

Following previous post....

I'm just going to make new friends during college (you know, with my dorm mates... woo multi-cultural hall!) and forget (kinda) about my current "friends." Wooooo...

Wait, except for Jack, Ian, and a few others.

:(

I feel out of sync with my 'group of friends.' I feel like I'm there as a back-up friend. Oh well...

I'll make new friends in college, I guess... =/
















































*cries*

I wish my life were more like this. I want more friends.

DREAM:
-So, the drama department and random people from my psychology class to a field trip to Mr. Flemming's (my psych teacher) house. He had two daughters and they were super cute and had curly hair. People kept saying inappropriate things, though, and my psych teacher was like, 'Stop!!!!' There was a really long table in his house (the walls were blue) and on it were TOOONS of desserts. There was chocolates, eclairs, doughnuts, creams, fondue, tons and tons of stuff. But it all had gluten, but I kept eating it anyway.

At one point, my psych teacher had to go to deal with his daughters, and some other random teacher from school was there instead. I don't even know his name. This guy went into some deep philosophical questions about life and death, purpose of life, stealing and stuff. Me and a few other people were trying to discuss, but I think Cory Earls and Tim Bender kept running around, make lots of noise and being silly. lol

After a while, we boarded the bus and went to Sally's beauty supply to look at colorful gels. Then we were at the mall on some kind of assignment. I finished, so I called Ian and waited for him for like half an hour. I finally went out and saw him with Jack. So I ran over and was like, 'Dude! Where were you!!!!' He said he'd been there for 10 minutes only. I didn't really care, and his hair was frizzy.

We all took a bus back to this very large auditorium. Don was there. >_< I was in a two-person play, and instead of Quinn, MS. STONE WAS OUR DIRECTOR. SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. I THINK SHE YELLED AT US AND LEFT. AAAAAH NOOOOOOO. So I was stuck with my shitty partner, I think it was Laura...
We preformed it and it sucked. Lots of alumni were there. Duncan came up to me and said, "Hey, if Laura was you, that would have been great." He kept having to repeat himself, and then I think he ran away after that.

So now we were all in a big circle on stage. Five girls, including me, had wedding dresses on. I think Hannah G, and Rachel G. were two others that had them. I can't remember the others. The objective was that a girl would walk out, and 1 of 5 assigned guys would run out and grab her. So all the girls did it, and I think Barret Zetterberg married someone, some other guy, Duncan married someone (I think it was Shereen, lol) and then me and another girl were left.

So I was left with Rachel Geiter. I walked out and waited, and I don't think anyone wanted me. I was VERRRRRY scared because I did not want Don to get me. I think I was almost crying. Finally, D-Fuen (haha) came out and tackled me and we slid behind the curtain. He said, "I was scared people would judge me if I grabbed you. You're so beautiful I think we all wanted you..." I'm almost certain Ian said something like that yesterday night. :lol:

Unfortunately, that meant Rachel was left with Don. When he came out to get her, we all treated him like a monster. We all tackled him and dragged him away while beating him up and I think the boys would kill him. Anyway, it made me reaaally happy.-

But that would actually be sad, even if I do hate him.

I know, this was really long. Sorry. It was really cool...

Obama.

He won. Life is good.

America has taken another great step, and I have renewed hope.

Yay!

Peace.

Bollywood

I think I'm in love. I think it's funny how people expect me to have watched every Bollywood movie ever, but the truth is, I've only seen about 10...

Either way, Bollywood is pretty much the most amazing movie industry EVER. I mean, just look at the following links to find the amazingness of Bollywood - just on the surface AT LEAST LOOK AT THE PICS!:

Videos:
Bole Chudiyan - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqydJ3L1k4Y
Mitwa (YAY!) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbbB1ANG-zQ
Say Shava Shava - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiB_twmh_Ek

Pictures:
Aishwarya Rai OR Aishwarya Rai
Shahrukh Khan
Bipasha Basu
Hrithik Roshan

Ok...that's all for now.

Hypersexuality

I'm getting sick and tired of the media. I don't think I would have such a problem with it, if both genders were equally objectified. God. Call me a feminist, whatever. I don't like hypersexuality. I don't like wet-t-shirt contests, especially on a stage. I don't like seeing a person as a shiny toy, seeing them as a tool. I hate that. I hate it. I'm not talking about porn. I'm talking about Wild and Crazy Spring Break, or Girls Gone Wild, sexy car washes, what have you. I don't like it!

Why! Why why why. Yes, sure, it's entertaining. Perhaps you get your panties wet, or you're suddenly hard. For maybe a brief moment, and then it's gone. But do you really see what you are looking at? You're seeing a PERSON. That's all I can think about... that's a girl up there, just like me, and all she is is a toy...
Sex is like marajuana or alcohol. Good in small amounts, but overdo it, and it just seems like too much. I am not criticizing you if you're into that, because people should be able to do what makes them happy... I just don't like it. Icky.

I find this post ironic...

Considering my last post.

I do not feel good. I feel sick. I feel sad. I don't wanna do anything. I have no motivation. Nothing seems worth living for. I want to isolate myself. I want to be mean and hurt myself. I don't like me, I don't like you. I don't like anything. I feel worthless. I don't feel good enough for you. I am not important to anyone, and if I am then they're lousy at showing it. Everything that could possibly make me happy will make me sad, because nothing lasts. I'm less important then everyone. I'm at the bottom. You don't care about me. No one is there. I'm by myself. If I don't stop this right now I'll stop being there. I don't know what that last statement meant, but it's true. I need a rope to stop myself from screwing up. I wish I had died at age 15. It's gone. Smoke is here.

Happy!

I'm happy with Ian right now. Yay. He's talking about how kids are tried as adults, but aren't given adult privileges. Wa wa. He's cute. Yay! And now he said, "A cookie!...hmm, I don't like being dictated! Haha I said dick! Hey Christine, I don't like being dictated do you like being vaginatated??" Hehehe.

I love you! LOOK AT THE SCREEN!!!!! There.

Porn

I hate porn. I can't look at it anymore. It makes me totally sick.
Firstly, I can't get off to it anymore. Okay, naked people having sex, big whoop. It's kind of stupid and boring and I honestly don't understand how I ever found it hot. Secondly, why would I look at it, if my imagination can run wild with Ian? Looking at porn is essentially like saying that my mind's endless options are not enough. Thirdly, it objectifies people. It turns real human beings and turns them into tools to help along an orgasm. If I don't objectify them (which I always do), then I'm recognizing that they're a real person, which is pretty much cheating in my book.

It's the same with fantasizing with people other than Ian. Why on earth would I fantasize about *insert mega hot person* if I have Ian? It just doesn't make sense anymore. I don't think it ever did. I was just stupider. Actually, no. I have never fantasized about other people, and that is NOT a lie.
Don't get me wrong. I don't think porn is bad. I don't think masturbation is bad. I just don't like looking at it while I'm in a relationship. It feels like I'm saying, "Yeah, Ian. You're totally sexy. But...thinking of you is not enough, so I'm going to go look at Candi* online..." I'm not sure if I make sense. Whatever.


*Random porn name

The year is closing...

Holy shit. It's like the end of the roller coaster you decided to go on, even though it looked way too scary, but you did it anyway...? But after you're done, it feels like you've conquered something?

Yeah.

That's how I feel. Fuck you, junior year. I beat you. Hmf!!!


Summer, here I come. =)


/relief

Satan's Dulia

You.
Feel the ocean on my lips,
Disturb the trouble in my grips.
Under the big wet sky...

We.
Never felt the world move on,
Kissed away the incubus.
In the corner of my eye...

There.
See the hole we never dug,
The dust we bothered not to rub.
Until the water was dry..

Fucking Retarded....

So today, during stagecraft, Jesse and Kylee were making fun of Lisette and I for trying to put away a 12 foot ladder on our own. No big deal, I'm used being treated like I'm incompetent in that class. Hearing, "Ooh, they look so stupid! Ha you guys are retards! It's like watching monkeys!" wasn't too bad.

Only when Jesse said, "Especially Christine! Looks so much like a monkey with that dark skin and curly hair! Ha, calling her a monkey is pretty accurate!"

I don't mind if you make fun of things I do that I can help (intelligence, clothes, etc)...but my color?! That's low. I CAN'T HELP MY SKIN COLOR SHUT THE FUCK UP. Bitch.

May 10th.

I WAS BORN TODAY SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO! Happy Birthday to me! ^_^

Ha, I'm so self-absorbed. Ah well. Only once a year. <3

God damn it

Hormones suck. Especially when you know why they're there, but can't do anything to help it. Haha...anyways, the US AP exam is on friday, and I'm sure I'm going to flunk it. Fuck.

Man, I can't wait for my birthday/prom...on the same day, yo!