i need to get this out

These are ten statements to ten different people:

1. I feel bad that you don't know what it means to truly suffer. Your ideas of a "problem" make me laugh, but then I stop. . . and they make me sad.

2. I love you :)

3. Thanks for helping me through this tough transition, I don't know what I'd do without you.

4. The way you look down on people upsets me, but I'm glad that it's out of care for those people rather than purely believing you are superior.

5. I'm glad you're there to come back to, even after all the changes that have happened.

6. Some days, I think of you and find myself pondering, "What if. . ."

7. I'm sorry for not keeping in touch as much as I should. We're both busy, but there should always be time to talk.

8. The bond we have has grown and makes me feel safe. I hope you succeed in life.

9. I think I've given up on trying. I hope the best for you, and I will be more than happy to pick things up.

10. You carved a large whole in who I was, who I am, and who I will become. My life took a turn for the worse because of you, and I hope you are able to fathom how much of me you have destroyed.

Well...

My life is confusing right now. I am sad about a few things, happy about a bunch of other things, angry about a few things, and thrilled about another thing... and I don't know how to balance it all.

I think I hold the record for feeling the most amount of things possible.

Didn't see that one coming.

Ian and I are taking a break soon. Somehow, this doesn't sadden me. It just makes me feel like I'm gonna have time to sort things out.

Worth

I don't feel like I am good enough to be anyone's friend. I feel like I do things for the sake of doing it. Like, only to remain in contact with them. I don't feel like I genuinely interest people or give back to them. Sometimes I wish it were just me and the birds on this planet. I don't understand social situations. I still get deathly scared when I'm in crowds, or even with a group of people who know me. I don't know how to do it, and I feel like I'm wasting everybody's time. Even Ian. . . :(

This post isn't even about how much time I spend with people. Even when I am with them, I feel like a nuisance.

I wish I were a beautiful person, inside and out, so that I would be worth someone's time.

Summer so far. . .

I have a job, went to two graduations, graduated, hung out w/peeps, and experienced good things. Woot, that sounds like a good summer. Teeheehee. . .

What a way to end.

I have two classes left. Two. That's three hours. Less than that, actually. I find that ridiculous. What a way to end the year. . .

This is tough. This is really tough. The one teacher I've felt the most for is going through a lot of health problems. Normally, I could deal. I could pray, hope, understand, etc. But I can't. My grandma is fucking dying, and I just can't take it. Two people I care about, or at least two people who people who are very dear to me care about, are suffering and it seems impossible that my life is starting like this. My real life.

There's no point in despairing, however. That will not accomplish anything. I think all we can do is link arms and hope.

I love a few people more than I ever saw myself loving. These people are a very small minority, and it's a miracle that I even feel this way. I have so much trouble trusting others, letting myself really know them, yet these people have let it happen. Thank you. Thank you for letting me share my life with you. It doesn't end here.

Dear Anon,

This is directed to ten people I know.

1. What happened? We used to be so happy together, and now I can't stand you. I hope you stop being so. . . mean.

2. We started to have something, but I forgot about you, or you forgot about me. . . perhaps it was mutual. Either way, you're a great person and I wish you the best.

3. I wish you knew just how much I fucking appreciate you. The amount of love and care I've come to have for you surprises me. You're a great friend, I just wish we could have been closer sooner, and I hope that we continue to become better friends.

4. You're one of the most unique people I know, and I admire you're individuality, despite that sometimes you're an ass hole.

5. You go between two personalities, and it's so confusing. I don't know if I should trust you.

6. I love you so much. Thank you for everything.

7. I am so glad I'm getting to know you. I think you've been misjudged and we become better friends.

8. Wow. I can't believe you're hardly in my life anymore. I would have never guess that we ended this far apart from each other.

9. You've always seemed nice, but I just never knew you. I wish I had.

10. I really like you. You're a fun person who is set in their moral beliefs, and will stick to them. I admire you.